Ten Signs You Won't Win "American Idol"
From the Late Show with David Letterman
You dedicate "I Will Always Love You" to Saddam
Backstage, people say, "Are you still here?"
North Korea says if you lose they'll stop producing enriched
Your mother says, "You're okay, but I'm really a big
fan of Ruben"
You were recently named the three of clubs on the "Most
Wanted Iraqi" playing cards
You've already appeared on another reality show -- "Cops"
Vegas gives you the same odds of winning it all as the Mets
You cancel your performance to stay home and watch "Jag"
Simon beats you with the microphone stand
Your voice is muffled by the SARS mask
Top 5 Signs Your Prom Date Is William Hung
He manages to tear your dress, trash your corsage and step
on *both* your feet dancing, but that doggone goofy charm
convinces you to give it up anyway.
4. Despite his embarrassing performance in the back seat of
his car, his earnest demeanor landed him a $25,000 porno deal.
3. His tux? The limo? The hotel room? Everything has been
rented for just 15 minutes.
2. "Our next song is by request -- for the fifth time
tonight, not that we're counting... 'She Bangs!'"
and the Number 1 Sign Your Prom Date Is William Hung...
1. Fox has already cleared three nights of its fall schedule
to accommodate a series documenting the evening, with rights
to a second one covering the after-party.
Ten Things I Can Say Now That I Lost "American Idol"
"If I had won, I was gonna blow the prize money on candy
"Honestly, I thought I was auditioning for 'The Apprentice'"
"Ryan Seacrest isn't as smart as he seems on TV"
"If you want to see me 'perform,' I'll be working the
noon-to-8 shift at Old Navy tomorrow"
"George W. Bush didn't win the popular vote either, and
he's done pretty well for himself"
"Underneath that table, Randy Jackson doesn't wear pants"
"Until 10 minutes ago, I had no idea who Dave Letterman
"I could take down Clay Aiken with one arm in a sling"
"I handled my loss well -- I gathered my belongings,
said my goodbyes and keyed the crap out of Simon's car"
"I have one thing to say to the voters: What in the hell
is wrong with you people?"