Your doctor has
scheduled you for an autopsy on ___________ at
_______ AM/PM. St. Amgems Hospital wants you to
be prepared for what should be an eventful time.
This guide should answer the most common
questions in regard to your procedure. Please
call your doctor's office if you have any
further questions. Please remember, autopsies
are performed on an "as needed" procedure. If
you, or a qualified Medical Examiner chooses to
cancel your autopsy, the Pathology department
requires 24 hours notice.
WHAT IS AN AUTOPSY?
As advanced as medical science is, sometimes we
need more thorough procedures to find out why
your living status has been impaired. An autopsy
can include CAT scans, X-rays, and surgical
WILL IT INVOLVE SURGERY?
Yes. At times when there is a lack of obvious
traumatic impact, surgery is needed. Your doctor
may wish to examine your vital organs. This
involves removal of the organs for the purpose
of study. The contents of your stomach will also
be examined, so we urge you not to take anything
by mouth for 12 (twelve) hours before cessation
of your existence or the procedure.
WILL IT HURT?
We certainly hope not. If at any time you're
feeling uncomfortable, please feel free to alert
WHAT SHOULD I BRING?
We recommend a very large, empty suitcase.
Ideally, your family should sign a "permission
for disposal" form. If this has been done,
you'll be provided with an effects bag and all
unwanted matter will be disposed of in a device
affectionately known as "Chuckie". It can also
be helpful for you to bring anything that might
have contributed to your current condition. This
can include any drugs containers from
medications you might have ingested.
WHEN CAN I RETURN TO WORK?
Not for a while. We suggest you worry about this
after your autopsy.
WILL I HAVE A SCAR?
We take vanity in consideration. You may have a
large "Y" shaped incision on your torso. There
may also be some scalp incisions that can be
covered by a competent professional.
WILL YOU LAUGH AT MY WEENIE?
Yes. Pathology is a profession fraught with
stress and alcoholism. Your doctor may already
have placed you in the Weenie Relocation Program
(WRP) which means your weenie might end up in
any number of body cavities, at the whim of your
doctor. Should you not want us to laugh at your
weenie, we suggest you dispose of it beforehand.
We at St. Amgems want your autopsy to be a
positive experience and promise to treat your
earthly remains with dignity and respect (aside
from the weenie dealie). Please refer to our
brochures "Cadaver's Bill of rights" and "So
You're Dead. What Next?" for more information.
Remember, here at St. Amgems, our day starts
when yours ends!