Not To Say During Childbirth....
Gosh, you're lucky. I sure wish men could experience the miracle
Do you think the baby will come before Monday Night Football
I hope your ready. The Glamour Shot photographer will be here
in fifteen minutes.
If you think this hurts, I should tell you about the time
I twisted my ankle playing basketball.
That was the kids on the phone. Did you have anything planned
When you lay on your back, you look like a python that swallowed
a wild boar.
You don't need an epidural. Just relax and enjoy the moment.
This whole experience kind of reminds me of an episode from
I Love Lucy.
Oops! Which cord was I supposed to cut?
Stop your swearing and just breathe.
Remember what we learned in Lamaze class! HEE HEE HOO HOO.
You're not using the right words.
Your stomach still looks like there's another one in there.
Deep In the back woods of Tennessee, a hillbilly's wife went
into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called
out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity,
the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here.
You hold this high so I can see what I am
doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.
there, said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put
that lantern down. I think there's another one coming."
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.
"Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another
one!" said the doctor.
a few minutes he had delivered a third baby.
don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's
yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.
redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the
doctor, "You reckon it might be the light that's attractin'
Being a parent changes everything. But being a parent also changes
with each baby. Here are some of the ways having a second and
third child is different from having your first.
baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your
OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
for the Birth
baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that
last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.
baby: You pre-wash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate
them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and
discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
baby: At the first sign of distress - a whimper, a frown-you
pick up the baby.
baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake
baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical
baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away
until you can go home and wash and boil it.
baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it
off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.
baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they
need it or not.
baby: You change their diaper every 2 to 3 hours, if needed.
baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to
complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.
baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, BabySwing,
and Baby Story Hour.
baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry
baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you
call home 5 times.
baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave
a number where you can be reached.
baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if
she sees blood.
baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the
baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your
older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the
child: when first child swallows a coin, you rush the child
to the hospital and demand x-rays.
child: when 2nd child swallows a coin, you carefully watch
for coin to pass.
child: when 3rd child swallows a coin you deduct it from his