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Barbies Never Seen


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The Barbie doll enjoys being one of the worlds most popular toys. However, along the way to getting that status, there were a number of doll variations that never quite made it. This is a list of the Barbie dolls that you most likely haven't seen on store shelves lately...

Scratch and Sniff Barbie (Use your imagination...we're not saying a word.)

Crash Test Barbie

Opera Barbie (complete with the horns and the brass brassiere)

Marie Antionette Barbie (with removable head; guillotine included)

Hiroshima Barbie (just a shadow of her former self)

Enron Barbie (Originally sold for $29.95, but now you can't give her away.)

Frozen Barbie on a Stick (in your grocer's frozen food section)

Divorce Barbie (includes the house, the car, and half of Ken's crap)

Broken Bungee Barbie

FrankenBarbie (green Barbie with bolts through her neck)

Shock Therapy Barbie (car battery and wires included)

Samuel L. Jackson Ken (He'll get medieval on your a**.)

Manic Depressive Barbie (with a set of Oriental throwing knives)

Biker Barbie (with leather jacket, tattoos, and red bandana)

Cheesehead Barbie (Wisconsin's best)

Dogsled Barbie

Peg Leg Barbie

Eye Patch Barbie

Politically Incorrect Barbie (Pull the string and she loudly blurts all your favorite racial slurs.)

Death Row Barbie (formerly #31)

Life Size Anatomically Correct Barbie (for all you perverts out there)

Martha Stewart Barbie (comes with orange jumpsuit and color-coordinated accessories)

Homeless Barbie (complete with stolen K-Mart shopping cart)

Tattoo Barbie

Burn Victim Barbie (bandages and Bactine included)

Venus de Milo Barbie (made of rock; no head, no arms)

Bulemic Barbie (Feed her, then make her throw it back up!)

Cyberpunk Barbie (includes 'trodes and implants)

White Trash Barbie

Serial Killer Barbie

Drag Queen Ken (Comes with three, count 'em, three, of Barbie's dresses.)

Acupuncture Barbie (not recommended or children under seven)

Voodoo Doll Barbie (see #33 above)

Cannibal Barbie (Great visual imagery, huh?)

Fast Food Barbie (Also known as want fries with that?)

Teenage Slut Barbie (see #21)

Polar Bear Club Barbie (dip her in cold water, and her skin turns from pink to blue!)

Ski Bunny Barbie (soon to be #60)

Sucking Chest Wound Barbie

Alien Barbie (Don't tell ANYONE...)

Ken In Black (protecting Barbie from the worst scum of the universe)

Alien Eyewitness Barbie (vacant expression, been flashed one too many times with the neuralizer)

Mafia Ken (With a violin got a problem with that?)

Alcoholics Anonymous Barbie (With coffee mug and 12-step guide)

Mutant Barbie (comes with Dark Phoenix costume)

Las Vegas Showgirl Barbie (with skimpy dress)

FemmiNazi Barbie (Pull the string and find out why men suck.)

Goth grrl Barbie (with black hair and lipstick, dog collar, and 20-hole Doc Martens)

Body Piercing Barbie

Napoleon Ken (stands 2" tall)

Midget Barbie (partner to #51, above)

Spank-Me Barbie (see #37)

Shish-Ka-Barbie (Here's one we'd all like to see!)

Knocked-Up Barbie

Chain Smoker Barbie (with Surgeon General's warning on box)

Tough B*tch Barbie (see #14)

Junkie Barbie (Gotta love those needle tracks...)

Iron Maiden Barbie (No, not the band...)

Avalanche Barbie (buried in 16 feet of snow)

Hooker Barbie (#47 after the show)

Cross-Dressing Ken, er, Barbie, er, Ken (Who knows?)

Whoopie Cushion Barbie (Do you really need a description?)

Microsoft Barbie (Barbie doll with Bill Gates' head. Seeks to eliminate all other dolls.)

Realistic Teenage Barbie (flat chest, braces, and acne)

Internet Addiction Barbie (Pale complexion, bloodshot eyes, and coffee-stained clothes.

Pull the string and she either spouts URL's or mutters to herself.)

Triple Espresso Barbie (pull the string and she shakes uncontrollably for hours)

Shop-'Til-You-Drop Barbie (with a wallet full of credit cards)

Collection Agency Ken (starts calling 6 months after you buy #68, above)

Bankruptcy Barbie (formerly #68 above; Chapter VII or Chapter XIII available)

Tasmanian Barbie (spins like a top)

Siamese Twins Barbie (Actually, I believe they prefer to be called "conjoined twins".)

Edible Barbie (also known as Choc-O-Barbie)

Hockey Barbie (With bruises, a hockey stick, and missing teeth.)

Triple Bypass Barbie

Diarrhea Barbie (Always on the run.)

Kleptomaniac Barbie (with suction cup hands)

Witch Doctor Ken (partner to #34, above)

Elvira Barbie (with long black hair and skimpy black gown)

Werewolf Barbie (normal doll, except under a full moon)

Living Dead Barbie (use your imagination)

Bigfoot Barbie (sold mostly in the Northwest)

Cyclops Barbie (One eye, right in the middle of her forehead.)

Cyclops Ken (A perfect partner for #46.)

Flying Hero Barbie (Yes, I know they made this one, but it's at least as ludicrous as anything we came up with.)

Spock Ken (pointy ears, one eyebrow raised)

Barbie of Borg (You will buy one. Resistance is futile.)

Hippie Chick Barbie (with bell bottoms, protest sign, and simulated controlled substances and paraphernalia)

Blaxploitation Barbie (With afro and provocative outfit. Shaft Ken sold separately.)

Head Trauma Barbie (I don't even want to talk about that one.)

Leprosy Barbie (with removable appendages)

Iron Lung Barbie

Texas Necktie Barbie (with gallows)

Safari Barbie (With rifle, pith helmet, and pygmy guide.)

Steroid Barbie (The rest of her physique is as exaggerated as her bust is on the normal doll!)

Steroid Ken (Highly exaggerated physique; Major League Baseball uniform included {specify desired team}.)

Rock Climbing Barbie (#9 with climbing gear)

Militant Femminist Barbie (#48 with an assault rifle)

Telemarketer Barbie (With headset and cheerful voice; your telephone is guaranteed to ring from 5:00 to 9:00 every night.)

Paraplegic Barbie (Her legs don't move.)

Quadraplegic Barbie (Neither do her arms.)

Cadaver Barbie (removable internal organs)

Hunchback Barbie (Pull the string and she cries, "Sanctuary! Sanctuary!")

Barbie Brain in a Jar (an empty jar!)

Circus Clown Barbie

Human Cannonball Barbie (complete with spring-loaded cannon that will shoot her 2-3 feet.)

Lion Tamer Barbie (Lion is included. Barbie's head is not.)

Freak Show Barbie

Bearded Barbie

Elephant Trainer Barbie (squashed flat)

Bladder Control Barbie (comes with a free box of Depends?undergarments)

Jabba the Barbie

Princess Leia Barbie (Barbie with the hairdo from Star Wars and the metal bikini from

Return of the Jedi)

Darth Vader Barbie (Plastic helmet; pull the string and she sounds like James Earl Jones.)

Wookie Barbie (obnoxious blonde hair everywhere)

Han Solo Ken (frozen in carbonite)

Titanic Barbie (frozen in ice)

Padm?Barbie (Even Barbie wouldn't be stupid enough to fall for Anakin, would she?)

Anakin Skywalker Ken (You can pull the string if you want, but all he does is whine)

Mace Windu Ken (He'll get medieval on your a** . . . with a lightsaber.)

Sharon Stone Barbie (Is there a difference?)

'Arnold' Ken (Big and buff, no neck; pull the string and he says, "Cahl-ee-FOR-nee-ah".)

Hobbit Barbie (short and squat with big hairy feet)

Godzilla Barbie (six foot tall lizard with Barbie head)

King Kong Barbie (six foot tall ape holding Barbie doll dressed like Fae Rae)

T3 Barbie (a study in silver)

Bugs Barbie (buck teeth, long ears)

Elmer Fudd Ken (bald with hunting hat and rifle)

Dirty Harry Barbie (Comes with large caliber pistol; pull the string and she says, "Go ahead. >giggle< Make my day!")

Power Ranger Barbie (has all the riculous outfits and karate-chop action)

Teenage Mutant Ninja Barbie

One-Eyed-Head-on-a-Spider-Made-from-an-Erector-Set-Barbie (just what it sounds like)

Potato(e) Head Barbie (also just what it sounds like)

Star Command Barbie (not a flying toy)

Quidditch Barbie (also not a flying toy)

Picasso Barbie (Everything's in the wrong place.)

Steamroller Barbie (looks a lot like #110)

Roadkill Barbie (looks like #110, but with tire tracks)

Backdraft Ken (perfect partner for #25)

Stuntman Ken (comes with lots of Band-Aids)

Spear-through-the-Head-Barbie (formerly #94)

Bow-Legged Barbie (High Stepper not included.)

Amazon Barbie (complete with leopard skin outfit)

Shark Attack Barbie (Oh, must we describe everything for you?)

Stampede Barbie (Kind of like below, except with cows...Yeeeee-haw!)

Barbie-Got-Run-Over-by-a-Reindeer (An excellent holiday gift idea!)

Disco Barbie (BeeGees CD included)

Trailer Park Barbie (For the parent who wants to show their child what grown-up life is really going to be like.)

Hypothermia Barbie (formerly #60)

Battering Ram Barbie

Joan of Arc Barbie (comes with stake, kindling, and matches)

Rastafarian Barbie (She got dreadlocks and ganja, mon.)

Brickhouse Barbie (Built like a brick sh...well, you know.)

Medusa Barbie

Gangsta Barbie (Raiders jacket and rap CD included)

Hip Hop Diva Barbie (complete with CD and bare midriff outfit)

Mafia Barbie (Feet set in cement--she really sinks!)

Statue of Liberty Barbie (tall, green, corroded)

Cartoon-style 'Hit-in-the-Head-with-a-Falling-Anvil' Barbie (see #132)

Barney Barbie (Bloated, plush, and purple; pull the string and she spouts inane drivel.)

Junkyard Barbie (A little like #57, but meaner.)

Cut-the-Lady-in-Half-Magic-Trick-that-Went-Wrong Barbie (see #132)

Banzai Barbie (a small tree cut into a shape that vaguely resembles Barbie)

Tree Hugger Barbie (Pull the string and she spouts environmentalist rhetoric.)

Ballistic Missile Barbie (like #106, but more so)

Saloon Barbie (with Old West Saloon girl outfit)

Green Giant Barbie

Tool Time Barbie (Includes tool belt, which she has no idea how to use.)

P.O.W. Barbie (undernourished, tortured, and shell-shocked)

Lumberjack Barbie (sleeps all night, works all day)

Blockhead Barbie (Barbie with Charlie Brown's head)

Organ Donor Barbie (Just like #102, but not necessarily dead yet.)

Sears Tower Window Washer Barbie (see #9)

Baler Barbie (Wrapped in twine; also known as Farm Accident Barbie.)

Oscar Meyer Barbie (Barbie on a bun!)

Easter Island Barbie (the famous statue with blonde hair)

Banjo Barbie (complete with straw hat and Earl Scruggs CD)

Mick Jagger Barbie (Mick doll with Barbie's head [but Mick's lips])

Headgear Barbie (guaranteed to make kids with braces feel better)

Albino Barbie

Rocket Scientist Barbie (Yeah, right.)

Insomniac Barbie

French Figure Skating Judge Barbie (with dark glasses, a white cane, and a big bag of rubles)

Zoot Suit Ken (Hey, carn嫮, he looks like a real pachuco. 燙im鏮, ese?)

Osbourne Barbie (Don't pull the fucking string, you never fucking know what she'll fucking say!)

Black Plague Barbie

Burqua Barbie (Complete with black dress and veil that hides everything but her eyes)

Affirmative Action Ken (you can't buy him unless you show proof that you've already bought seven female dolls and/or dolls of color)

Battery Acid Barbie (Barbie + H2SO4 ?Fun!)

Hellfire and Damnation Barbie (Pull the string and find out exactly why you're going to hell!)

Copyright 2004 Michael Martin, Sam Martin, and Dan DeFrance