Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found
himself in Purgatory being sized up by God...
"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call.
I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or
Hell. After all, you enormously helped society
by putting a computer in almost every home in
the world and yet you created that ghastly
Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never
done before. In your case, I'm going to let you
decide where you want to go!"
Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the
difference between the two?"
God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both
places briefly if it will help you make a
decision." "Fine, but where should I go first?"
God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you."
Bill said, "OK, then, let's try Hell first." So
Bill went to Hell.
It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with
clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful
women running around, playing in the water,
laughing and frolicking about. The sun was
shining and the temperature was perfect. Bill
was very pleased. "This is great!" he told God,
"If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!"
"Fine," said God and off they went.
Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with
angels drifting about playing harps and singing.
It was nice but not as enticing as Hell. Bill
thought for a quick minute and rendered his
decision. "Hmm, I think I prefer Hell" he told
God. "Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So
Bill Gates went to Hell.
Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the
late billionaire to see how he was doing in
Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill
shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot
flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and
tortured by demons. "How's everything going,
Bill?" God asked.
Bill responded - his voice full of anguish and
disappointment, "This is awful, this is not what
I expected. I can't believe this happened. What
happened to that other place with the beaches
and the beautiful women playing in the water?"
God says, "That was the screen saver".
Michael
Jackson is walking out from the operating room
after his wife gave birth to their son. Michael
says "Hey Doc how long till we can have sex?"
The Doctor says "At least wait till he is
walking Michael!!"
Two of Clinton's
sperm are swimming around in Monica, when one of
the sperm looks at the other and says," Hey I
think we are coming close to the ovaries"... the
other looks at the other sperm and says," Hey
relax we just passed the tonsils."
One day three
midgets decided they wanted to be in the record
books the fist one says "I have pretty short
arms", so he goes and succeeds. The second one
says "I have pretty short legs," so he goes and
succeeds. The third one says "I have a very
small penis," and when he comes back he says
"Who the hell is Leonardo DiCaprio?"
Lisa Marie's
Divorce Allegations Against Michael Jackson
Wouldn't drink
beer, watch football and break wind with her
during Thanksgiving with Mom at Graceland.
Refused her
pleas for separate make-up mirrors.
Unwilling to
try new things in bed...like her for instance.
Elephant Man
bones...fine. Oxygen chamber for eternal
youth...well okay. But what's with the Groucho
head on Jayne Mansfield's body thing?
In all their
months of marriage not once did he charter a jet
to get her peanut butter sandwiches or fly a
mime troupe in from France like Poppa did for
Momma.
Had her
favorite noses (June 1994 and September 1995)
done over.
She was shocked
to discover that the glittery uniforms were not
actually part of any real military organization.
He started
hanging out with Madonna's dancers to toughen up
his image.
Everywhere you
turn, Elizabeth Taylor's supporting you through
some sordid allegation.
Stood in the
way of her film career when he refused to
bankroll her debut performance in 'Jailbait
Rock', the story of her Mom and Dad's courtship.
The all-night
Kool Aid and Twister marathons with his little
friends left him too tired to do that 'hee-hee-hee'
thing she fell in love with.
She felt
pressured to buy hundreds of thousands of
dollars worth of LaToya's Amway products for the
sake of family peace.
Jermaine and
Tito were constantly asking her why Elvis didn't
have kids THEY could marry.
Swears she
thought she was marrying Michael Keaton.
She grew tired
of scouring every Chucky Cheese's within a 50
mile radius only to find him slumped over a
table in yet another chocolate milk and Pez
stupor.
He told her to
"just beat it" one too many times.
He's a plain
spoken "Hoosier", and she had clearly gone
"Hollywood".
She wanted
someone more like her father, and though he was
already a pathetic parody of his former self, he
was just unwilling to gain weight.
He kept
forgetting to put the top back on the mascara.
Irreconcilable
similarities.
Sean Connery was
interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged
that despite his 72 years of age, he could still
have sex three times a night. Kylie Minogue, who
was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the
show, Kyle said, "Sean, if I am not being too
forward, I'd love to have sex with an older
man. Let's go back to my place."
So they go back to
her place and have great sex. Afterwards, Sean
says, "If you think that was good, let me sleep
for half an hour, and we can have even better
sex. But while I'm sleeping, hold my balls in
your left hand and my dick in your right hand."
Kylie looks a bit perplexed, but says, "Okay".
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they
have even better sex. Then Sean says, "Kylie,
that was wonderful. But if you let me sleep for
an hour, we can have the best sex yet. But
again, hold my balls in your left hand, and my
Dick in your right hand." Kylie is now used to
the routine and complies. The results are mind
blowing.
Once it's all
over, and the cigarettes are lit, Kylie asks
"Sean, tell me, does my holding your balls in my
left hand and your dick in my right stimulate
you while you're sleeping?" Sean replies, "No,
but the last time I slept with a slut from
Melbourne, she stole my wallet."
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