A
few days after Christmas, A mother was working
in the kitchen listening to her son playing with
his new electric train set in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son yell "All
you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the
hell off now, because this is the last stop! All
of you sons of bitches that are getting on, get
your asses in the train cause were leaving". The
mother went in and told her son, "we don't use
that kind of language in this house." Now I want
you to go into your room for two hours. When you
come out, you can play with your train, but I
don't want to hear any bad language.
Two hours later, the son comes out of his room
and continues playing with his train. Soon the
train stopped and the mother heard the son say,
"All passengers who are disembarking the train,
please remember to take all of your belongings
with you. We thank you for riding with us today
and hope your ride was a pleasant one. We hope
you will ride with us again soon. For those of
you who are just boarding the train, we ask that
you stow all of your hand luggage under the
seat, remember there is no smoking except on the
club car. We hope you have a pleasant and
relaxing journey with us today".
"For those of you who are pissed off with the
two hour delay , please see the bitch in the
kitchen."
A young couple
gets married, and the groom asks his bride if he
can have a dresser drawer of his own that she
will never open. The bride agrees. After 30
years of marriage, she notices that his drawer
has been left open. She peeks inside and sees 3
golf balls and $1,000.
She confronts her husband and asks for an
explanation. He explains "Every time I was
unfaithful to you, I put a golf ball in the
drawer." She figures 3 times in 30 years isn't
bad and asks "But what about the $1,000?" He
replied "Whenever I got a dozen golf balls, I
sold them"
A
mother found her son scooping ice cream in the
kitchen and was mad.
Mom : "Dinner is going to be ready in an hour,
put that ice cream away and go play."
Son : "But mom, there's no one to play with."
Mom : "I'll play with you, what do you wanna
play?"
Son : "Lets play mommy and daddy, you go
upstairs and lay down on the bed."
The mom said ok and went upstairs. The son put
on his dad's fishing hat and lit up one of his
dad's cigarettes. He went upstairs and opened
the door.
Mom : "Now what do I do?"
Son : "Get your ass out of bed, you whore, and
fix that kid some fucking ice cream."
An 80 year old
couple were having problems remembering things,
so they decided to go to their doctor to get
checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with
them.
When they arrived at the doctors, they explained
to the doctor about the problems they were
having with their memory. After checking the
couple out, the doctor told them that they were
physically okay but might want to start writing
things down and make notes to help them remember
things.
The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later
that night while watching TV, the man got up
from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are
you going?" He replied, "To the kitchen." She
asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He
replied, "Sure." She then asked him, "Don't you
think you should write it down so you can
remember it?" He said, "No, I can remember
that."
She then said, "Well I would also like some
strawberries on top. You had better write that
down because I know you'll forget that." He
said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of
ice cream with strawberries." She replied, "Well
I also would like whipped cream on top. I know
you will forget that so you better write it
down."
With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't
need to write that down! I can remember that."
He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20
minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed
her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the
plate for a moment and said angrily: "I TOLD you
to write it down! You forgot my toast!"
One day a girl
brings home her boyfriend and tells her father
she wants to marry him. After talking to him
for while, he tells his daughter she can't do
it because he's her half brother. The same
problem happens again four more times! The girl
starts to get pissed off. She goes to her mom
and says, "Mom... What have you been doing all
your life? Dad's been going around laying every
maiden in the town and now I can't marry any of
the five guys I like because they have turned
out to be my half brothers!!!"
Her mom replies,
"Don't worry darling, you can marry any one of
them you want, he isn't really your dad."
The patient says,
"Give me the bad news first!"
Doctor replies, "You've got AIDS."
"Oh, no! What could be worse than that?" asks
the patient.
"You've also got Alzheimer's Disease."
Looking relieved the patient says, "Oh...Well,
that's not so bad. At least I don't have AIDS."
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