Spell
Checker
I halve a spelling checker,
It came with my pea see.
It plainly marks four my revue
Mistakes I dew knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait aweigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the era rite
Its rarely ever wrong.
I've scent this massage threw it,
And I'm shore your pleased too no
Its letter prefect in every weigh;
My checker tolled me sew.
A man goes
to his physician and is shocked to find that he
has been replaced by a super-computer. The
computer asks him his ailments and the man says
he has a sore elbow. A drawer pops out and he is
asked to urinate in it. After a few bleeps and
flashing lights the computer decides he has
tennis elbow.
The man is annoyed and decides to get one over
on this machine so he asks his wife for a urine
sample. He then mixes this with urine from his
dog and his small son and to top it off, adds
some of his sperm. He takes it to the
computer-physician who again asks him for a
sample. He places the urine/sperm sample in the
drawer and the computer makes its usual display
of bleeps and flashes before telling him that
his wife is pregnant, his dog has rabies, his
son has chicken pox and if he doesn't stop
masturbating he'll never get rid of his tennis
elbow.
A truck
driver, hauling a tractor-trailer load of
computers, stops for a beer. As he approaches
the bar, he sees a big sign on the door that
says, "COMPUTER NERDS NOT ALLOWED - ENTER AT
YOUR OWN RISK!" He enters and sits down.
The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, and
says that he smells kind of nerdy. He then asks
him what he does for a living. The truck driver
explains to him that he drives a truck, and the
smell is just from the computers he is hauling.
The bartender serves him a beer and says, "OK,
truck drivers aren't nerds."
As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in
wearing a pair of glasses with tape around the
middle, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of
pens and pencils, and a belt that is at least a
foot too long. The bartender, without saying a
word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy
away. The truck driver asks him why he did that.
The bartender replied, "Don't worry. The
computer nerds are in season because they are
overpopulating Silicon Valley. You don't even
need a license."
So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back
in his truck, and heads for the freeway.
Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the
load shifts. The back door breaks open and
computers spill out all over the road. He jumps
out and sees a crowd already forming, snatching
up all of the computers. The scavengers are
comprised of engineers, accountants and
programmers - computer geeks. Each of them
wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.
He can't let them steal his whole load. So
remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls
out his gun and starts blasting away, killing
several of them instantly. A highway patrol
officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the
car screaming at him to stop.
The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought
computer nerds were in season."
"Well, sure," says the patrolman, "But you can't
bait 'em!"
Well, my
terminal's locked up, and I ain't got any Mail,
And I can't recall the last time that my program
didn't fail
I've got stacks in my structs, I've got arrays
in my queues,
I've got the : Segmentation violation - Core
dumped blues.
If you think that it's nice that you get what
you C,
Then go : illogical statement with your whole
family.
Because the Supreme Court ain't the only place
with : Bus error views.
I've got the : Segmentation violation - Core
dumped blues.
On a PDP-11, life should be a breeze,
But with VAXen in the house even magnetic tapes
would freeze.
Now you might think that unlike VAXen I'd know
who I abuse,
I've got the : Segmentation violation - Core
dumped blues!
Bill
Gates' Adventures in Heaven
Ever wondered what heaven looks like ?
Bill Gates died and, much to everyone's
surprise, went to Heaven. When he got there, he
had to wait in the reception area.
Heaven's reception area was the size of
Massachusetts. There were literally millions of
people milling about, living in tents with
nothing to do all day. Food and water were being
distributed from the backs of trucks, while
staffers with clipboards slowly worked their way
through the crowd. Bill lived in a tent for
three weeks until, finally, one of the staffers
approached him. The staffer was a young man in
his late teens, face scarred with acne. He was
wearing a blue T-shirt with the words TEAM PETER
emblazoned on it in large yellow lettering.
"Hello," said the staffer in a bored voice that
could have been the voice of any clerk in any
overgrown bureaucracy. "My name is Gabriel and
I'll be your induction coordinator." Bill
started to ask a question, but Gabriel
interrupted him. "No, I'm not the Archangel
Gabriel. I'm just a guy from Philadelphia named
Gabriel who died in a car wreck at the age of
17. Now give me your name, last name first,
unless you were Chinese in which case it's first
name first."
"Gates, Bill." Gabriel started searching though
the sheaf of papers on his clipboard, looking
for Bill's Record of Earthly Works. "What's
going on here?" asked Bill. "Why are all these
people here? Where's Saint Peter? Where are the
Pearly Gates?"
Gabriel ignored the questions until he located
Bill's records. Then Gabriel looked up in
surprise. "It says here that you were the
president of a large software company. Is that
right?"
"Yes."
"Well then, do the math chip-head! When this
Saint Peter business started, it was an easy
gig. Only a hundred or so people died every day,
and Peter could handle it all by himself, no
problem. But now there are over five billion
people on earth. Jesus, when God said to 'go
forth and multiply,' he didn't say 'like
rabbits!' With that large a population, ten
thousand people die every hour. Over a
quarter-million people a day. Do you think Peter
can meet them all personally?" "I guess not."
"You guess right."
So Peter had to franchise the operation. Now,
Peter is the CEO of Team Peter Enterprises, Inc.
He just sits in the corporate headquarters and
sets policy. Franchisees like me handle the
actual inductions." Gabriel looked though his
paperwork some more, and then continued. "Your
paperwork seems to be in order. And with a
background like yours, you'll be getting a plum
job assignment."
"Job assignment?"
"Of course. Did you expect to spend the rest of
eternity sitting on your ass and drinking
ambrosia? Heaven is a big operation. You have to
pull your weight around here!" Gabriel took out
a triplicate form, had Bill sign at the bottom,
and then tore out the middle copy and handed it
to Bill. "Take this down to induction center #23
and meet up with your occupational orientator.
His name is Abraham." Bill started to ask a
question, but Gabriel interrupted him. "No, he's
not *that* Abraham." Bill walked down a muddy
trail for ten miles until he came to induction
center #23. He met with Abraham after a mere
six-hour wait.
"Heaven is centuries behind in building its data
processing infrastructure," explained Abraham.
"As you've seen, we're still doing everything on
paper. It takes us a week just to process new
entries."
"I had to wait *three* weeks," said Bill.
Abraham stared at Bill angrily, and Bill
realized that he'd made a mistake. Even in
Heaven, it's best not to contradict a
bureaucrat. "Well," Bill offered, "maybe that
Bosnia thing has you guys backed up."
Abraham's look of anger faded to mere annoyance.
"Your job will be to supervise Heaven's new data
processing center. We're building the largest
computing facility in creation. Half a million
computers connected by a multi-segment fiber
optic network, all running into a back-end
server network with a thousand CPUs on a gigabit
channel. Fully fault tolerant. Fully distributed
processing. The works."
Bill could barely contain his excitement. "Wow!
What a great job! This is really Heaven!"
"We're just finishing construction, and we'll be
starting operations soon. Would you like to go
see the center now?"
"You bet!"
Abraham and Bill caught the shuttle bus and went
to Heaven's new data processing center. It was a
truly huge facility, a hundred times bigger than
the Astrodome. Workmen were crawling all over
the place, getting the miles of fiber optic
cables properly installed. But the center was
dominated by the computers. Half a million
computers, arranged neatly row-by-row, half a
million ....
.... Macintoshes ....
.... all running Claris software! Not a PC in
sight! Not a single byte of Microsoft code!
The thought of spending the rest of eternity
using products that he had spent his whole life
working to destroy was too much for Bill. "What
about PCs???" he exclaimed. "What about
Windows??? What about Excel??? What about
Word???"
"You're forgetting something," said Abraham.
"What's that?" asked Bill plaintively.
"This is Heaven," explained Abraham. "We need a
computer system that's heavenly to use. If you
want to build a data processing center based on
PCs running Windows, then ....
.... GO TO HELL!"
There was a
pilot flying a small single engine charter
plane, with a couple of very important
executives on board. He was coming into Seattle
airport through thick fog with less than 10m
visibility when his instruments went out. So he
began circling around looking for landmark.
After an hour or so, he starts running pretty
low on fuel and the passengers are getting very
nervous. Finally, a small opening in the fog
appears and he sees a tall building with one guy
working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot
banks the plane around, rolls down the window
and shouts to the guy "Hey, where am I? To this,
the solitary office worker replies "You're in a
plane." The pilot rolls up the window, executes
a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a
perfect blind landing on the runway of the
airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops,
so does the engine as the fuel has run out.
The passengers are amazed and one asks how he
did it. "Simple" replies the pilot, "I asked the
guy in that building a simple question. The
answer he gave me was 100 percent correct, but
absolutely useless, therefore that must be
Microsoft's support office and from there the
airport is just a while away."
MICROSOFT TESTER DIES TRAGICALLY AT HANDS OF
"PAL"
REDMOND, Wa - The Microsoft Redmond Campus was
rocked by tragedy today as Paul Fitzgerald, Test
Engineer on the Windows NT Team, was brutally
murdered in an apparently psychotic tirade by
one of the "personalities" of Microsoft's latest
operating system shell program, Bob. In the
small hours of this morning, Java, the
"friendly" coffee-drinking dinosaur, burst from
the screen of Fitzgerald's computer, cutting a
swath of destruction throughout the hapless
worker's office and into the accompanying
hallway.
The beast was quickly subdued by Microsoft
Campus Security upon failing to produce a valid
Microsoft keycard, avoiding what could otherwise
have been a tragedy of much greater proportions.
He is currently undergoing psychiatric
evaluation at the Washington Institute for
Perfectly Valid Lifeforms Who in the Heat of the
Moment Do Some Absolutely Naughty Things. Says
Lars Opstad, chief spiritual healer and concert
pianist, "It's touch and go right now. I don't
think Java yet realizes the immensity of what
he's done."
`Eyewitnesses say that they could hear the
stegosaur-like computer guide screaming "All I
wanted was a GOOD espresso" in those terrible
moments before dawn. Said Rover Retriever,
another Bob personality, "This is just terrible.
Java was always such a great guy. Sure, he was a
little high strung, but I can't believe he would
do something like this. I think we need to
seriously re-examine the stress that the Bob
Personality group is under so that another such
incident doesn't occur."
A possible precipitant to the incident could be
Java's recent attempt to quit smoking as a
result of a clause in his contract. Lawyers are
examining whether this constitutes a violation
of discriminatory hiring statutes on Microsoft's
part. Microsoft Legal could not be reached for
comment, but an undisclosed source asserted "We
couldn't have him puffing away like that. He's a
dinosaur, not a dragon. It would confuse the
market."
Coroner's reports say Fitzgerald died instantly
of cardiac arrest, but are unclear on whether
this was a result of the vicious attack or the
fact that Bob installed successfully on NT.
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