A vampire goes
into a pub and asks for boiling water. The
barman says "I thought you only drank blood?"
The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says
"I'm making tea".
A ninety year
old lady is on her way to the gynecologist due
to a itchy rash in her puss... when she gets
there the doctor checked her out and asked "when
is the last time you've had sex?" the old lady
tells the doctor that she is still a virgin.. he
checks her out again and the doctor tells the
lady "I don't really have a medical term for
this, so I will be blunt...Your cherry has
rotted"
Three guys are
discussing women. "I like to watch a woman's
tits best, " the first guy says.
The second says "I like to look at a woman's
ass." He asks the third guy "What about you?".
"Me? I prefer to see the top of her head."
Bubba was
fixing a door and he found that he needed a new
hinge, so he sent Mary Louise to the hardware
store. At the hardware store Mary Louise saw a
beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was
waiting for Joe Bob to finish waiting on a
customer. When Joe Bob was finished, Mary Louise
asked how much for the teapot? Joe Bob replied
"That's silver and it costs $100!"
"My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary
Louise exclaimed. She then proceeded to describe
the hinge that Bubba had sent her to buy, and Jo
Bob went to the backroom to find a hinge. From
the backroom Joe Bob yelled "Mary Louise, you
wanna screw for that hinge?' To which Mary
Louise replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."
Two old friends
were just about to tee off at the first hole of
their local golf course when a chap carrying a
golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I
join you? My partner didn't turn up."
"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they
started playing and enjoyed the game and the
company of the newcomer. Part way around the
course, one of the friends asked the newcomer,
"What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf
bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini
sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.
"Here are my tools."
"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the
other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I
might be able to see my house from here." So he
picked up the rifle and looked through the sight
in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see
my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I
can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my
wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's
naked! What's that? Wait a minute, that's my
neighbor in there with her. He's naked as well!
The bitch!" He turned to the hit man, "How much
do you charge for a hit?"
"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars
every time I pull the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy,
so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor,
he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just
shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."
The hit man took the rifle and took aim,
standing perfectly still for a few minutes. "Are
you going to do it or not?" said the friend
impatiently. "Just wait a moment, be patient,"
said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you
a thousand dollars here....."
There were
these two gay guys that give each other anal
each night. One night before they give each
other anal one of the guys has to go to the
toilet. So the other guy says "okay but don't
wank in there, save it for later." and the first
guy agrees. This guy was in the toilet for a
while so the other gay guy decides to check on
him. Once he opens the toilet door he sees lots
of seamen everywhere. He gets angry and yells "I
thought I told you not to wank and to save it
for later!" to the first gay guy. The first gay
guy replies "I didn't wank, I just farted."
One day this
man was driving for hours through the country
side and needed to go to the bathroom urgently.
He sees an old store off the side of the road,
pulls up and proceeds to the bathroom. When he
was done dumping his captains log, he looked
around and noticed to his shock there was no
toilet paper and a sign on the wall - "Sorry,
there is no toilet paper, but if you wipe your
arse with your index and middle fingers and
stick them in this hole they will be licked
clean." The man thought to himself that that was
nasty and that he was not going to do that. So
he sits for a further hour trying to figure out
what to do, and eventually realizes that
although its nasty, that he would do it. So he
wipes his arse with his fingers and sticks them
in the hole. Then a man on the other side slams
two bricks onto the mans fingers so hard the
unbelievable pain causes him to shove his
fingers in his mouth.
One night, an
87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find
her husband in bed with another woman... She
became violent and ended up pushing him off the
balcony of their 20th-floor apartment, killing
him instantly. Brought before the court on the
charge of murder, she was asked if she had
anything to say in defense of herself. "Your
Honor," she began coolly, "I figured that at 92,
if he could screw, he could fly."
A woman was
shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th
floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind
blew her over the railing. "Damn, that was
stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to
die." As she passed the 14th floor, a man
standing at his railing caught her in his arms.
While she looked at him in disbelieving
gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?" "No!" she
shrieked, aghast. So, he dropped her. As she
passed the 12th floor, another man reached out
and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked. "Of
course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop
herself. He dropped her, too. The poor woman
prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would
have it, she was caught a third time, by a man
on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she
screamed in panic. "Slut!" he said, and dropped
her.
A middle aged
couple went to a spouse swapping party. They met
a Martian couple and thought it would be nice to
switch partners for the night. So they went off
with the opposite spouse. When the woman saw the
male martians' penis she said "Well that's nice
but it's kind of short isn't it?" Well the
martian reached up and patted his head. While he
did that his penis got longer and longer. The
woman saw that and said "That's nice but it's
not very fat is it?" The martian reached up and
pulled on his ears. As he was doing that his
penis got fatter and fatter. The women had a
grand time that night. In the morning the man
and woman were comparing their experience. The
woman said "I really enjoyed myself, we should
swap again." The man said "I enjoyed it too but,
I just can't figure out why she kept patting my
head and pulling my ears!"
My husband came
home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This
will make you happy tonight." He was right. When
he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all
over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.
A guy phones up
his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead.
"I'm afraid he died last week." she explains.
The next day the man calls again and asks for
the boss. "I told you" the wife replies, "he
died last week." The next day he calls again and
once more asks to speak to his boss. By this
time the wife is getting upset and shouts, "I'VE
ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS,
DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?" "Coz,"
he replied laughing, "I just love hearing it..."
"Doc,"
says Steve, "I want to be castrated."
"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in
amazement.
"It's something I've been thinking about for a
long time and I want to have it done" replies
Steve.
"But have you thought it through properly?" asks
the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and
once it's done, there's no going back. It will
change your life forever!"
"I'm aware of that and you're not going to
change my mind -- either you book me in to be
castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."
"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against
my better judgment!"
So Steve has his operation, and the next day he
is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down
the hospital corridor with his drip stand.
Heading towards him is another patient, who is
walking exactly the same way.
"Hi there," says Steve, "It looks as if you've
just had the same operation as me."
"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided
after 37 years of life that I would like to be
circumcised."
Steve stared at him in horror and screamed,
"Shit! THAT'S the word!?/font>
These two starving bums are
walking through an alley when one of them sees a
dead cat. He runs over, sits down and starts to
eat the cat, tearing the meat from its limbs.
He says to the other bum, "Hey, I know you're
hungry, too. Why don't you eat some of this
cat?" "Hell no!" replies the second bum, "That
cat's been dead for days, he's all stiff and
cold and smelly!" The first bum says, "Okay,
suit yourself," and continues to eat everything,
skin, muscle, guts, all but the skeleton. A few
hours later as they are walking down the street
the first bum says, "Oh, I don't feel so good. I
think there might have been something wrong with
that cat." And just then, he pukes up a huge
puddle of rotten cat flesh and guts with stomach
bile mixed in, all half digested and looking
like mush. The second bum sits down next to the
puddle and says, "Now you're talking! It's been
months since I had a WARM meal!"
A guy had a major argument
with his girlfriend. He was in the wrong, but
not enough to back down without an argument. So
after storming away, and cooling off, the guy
had a think. He was clearly in the wrong and
felt pretty guilty, with all the trauma it had
caused.
So to make it up to his girlfriend, he said he'd
buy her a gift. "Any thing at all, my love", the
guy said, overcome with remorse. "Oh, I don't
know", she replied, "You really shouldn't do
this you know. But, if you are, just get me
something really expensive, that I don't need."
The following day he booked her in for
chemotherapy.
Three women were in the
waiting room of a gynaecologist, and each of
them was knitting a sweater for their
baby-to-be. The first one stopped and took a
pill. "What was that?" The others asked her.
"Oh, it was Vitamin C - I want my baby to be
healthy." A few minutes later, another woman
took a pill. "What was that?" the others asked.
"Oh, it was iron - I want my baby to be big and
strong." They continued knitting. Finally the
third woman took a pill. "What was that?" the
others asked her. "It's Thalidomide," she said,
"I just can't get the arms right on this fucking
sweater!"
A professor at the University
of Texas was giving a lecture on the
supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he
asks "How many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands. "Well,
that's a good start. Out of those of you
who believe in ghosts, do any of you think
you've seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise
their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take
this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a
ghost?" About 15 students raise their hands.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3
students raise their hands. "That's fantastic.
Now let me ask you one question further... Have
any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
Way in the back, Bubba raises! his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses, and says,
"Son, all the years I've been giving this
lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made
love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and
tell us about your experience."
The big redneck student replied with a nod and a
grin, and began to make his way up to the
podium. When he reached the front of the room,
the professor asks, "So, Bubba,
tell us what it's like to have sex with a
ghost?" Bubba replied, "Heck! From way back
there I thought you said "Goats!"
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