Ten Things Overheard Last Night at the Florida Election Commission
"The first vote goes to Gore...call CNN and tell them
"Wait, if my wet laundry is in the ballot box...oh my
god! Stop the dryer!"
"If someone voted for 'the jerk,' do I give it to Gore
"Let's be extra careful, because every single vote counts...ha,
ha, ha, ha, just kidding!"
"120... 121... 122! Yes! I'm the ballot-eating champion!"
"This is much easier than my last job designing tires
"America must never know Ralph Nader actually won the
"Discard all these votes for Bush -- they're obviously
left over from 1992"
"I'm sure gonna miss you guys when this is over. If only
there was a way to make it last a few more days..."
"Heads Bush... Tails Gore"
Signs and Bumper Stickers
who cast the votes decide nothing. Those who count the votes
decide everything." -Joseph Stalin (Bush campaign advisor)
parents retired to Florida and all I got was this lousy President
gave us Mickey, Florida gave us Dumbo
throw away your vote........let Katherine Harris do it for
person, one vote (may not apply in certain states)
is this Chad guy and why is he pregnant.
trusts the people, but not if it involves counting.
you I'm a drunk driver; to my friends, I'm presidential material!
didn't vote for his daddy either.
ain't over till your brother counts the votes.
election can't be broken. We just fixed it.
Bush Administration - Taxpayer Supported Organized Crime
W. Bush: The President Quayle We Never Had
Having your little brother rig the election for you: Priceless.
last night's debate, John Kerry and John Edwards were so friendly
to each other some political experts think that they may end
up running together. In fact Kerry and Edwards were so friendly,
President Bush accused them of planning a gay marriage."
Nader announced he's running for president after a new poll
found he'd get .5% of the vote. Nader's slogan: 'Eat my dust
Kucinich.'" —Craig Kilborn
big weekend for the candidates. President Bush highlighted
his foreign policy, and then John Kerry emphasized his war
record, and then Ralph Nader bragged about an article he wrote
on toasters that explode." —Craig Kilborn
of midnight Thursday night, John Kerry began receiving Secret
Service protection, a three-car detail of special agents,
and a bullet proof limousine pulled up in front of his house
and stayed there all night. See, that's what you get when
you're the frontrunner. Dennis Kucinich got a whistle and
a can of mace." —Jay Leno
Edwards is a seasoned trial lawyer. You think a lawyer would
make a good president? You know I look at it this way, if
we're going to consistently have liars in the White House,
why not get a professional?" —Jay Leno
Dean ended his campaign for president this week, but so far
he has refused to endorse another candidate. As a result Dean
received thank you notes from both John Kerry and John Edwards."
was the Wisconsin primary ... But they say it looks like Howard
Dean is doing worse than expected. Worse than expected? That
must be pretty bad since he was expected to drop out of the
race. What now, is he being deported?" —Jay Leno
Edwards said earlier today that after Wisconsin's primary,
he will have achieved the goal of a two-man race. The bad
news for Edwards is that the two men are John Kerry and George
Bush." —Jay Leno
Internet rumor claims that John Kerry had an affair with a
young woman. When asked if this was similar to the Clinton-Lewinsky
scandal, a spokesman said 'Close, but no cigar.'" —Jimmy
Fallon, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"
campaign getting kind of ugly, did you hear about this? Yesterday,
a 27-year-old woman came for to deny rumors that she had an
affair with Democratic front-runner John Kerry. The woman
added, 'I would never cheat on Bill Clinton.'" —Conan
John Kerry sails toward the Democratic nomination, new questions
are emerging about President Bush's service in the National
Guard, like where he was for six months in 1972 and why he
refused to take a routine physical. President Bush has vowed
to get to the bottom of this right after Election Day."
strategists feel John Kerry's war record means he can beat
Bush. They say when it comes down to it voters will always
vote for a war hero over someone who tried to get out of the
war. I'll be sure to mention that to Bob Dole when I see him."
say Edwards is making adjustments in his presidential aspirations,
having lost primaries in two Southern states. Edwards now
spends hours a day watching video tape of Dan Quayle and Al
Gore, practicing his golf swing and constantly complimenting
Senator Kerry on his choice of neckties." —Dennis Miller
can tell that the campaign has shifted into high gear because
whenever President Bush refers to John Kerry, he calls him
'the senator from the gay wedding state'." —David Letterman
had a profile of John Kerry on the news and they said his
first wife was worth around $300 million and his second wife,
his current wife, is worth around $700 million. So when John
Kerry says he's going after the wealthy in this country, he's
not just talking. He's doing it!" —Jay Leno
Wesley Clark pulled out of the Democratic presidential race.
He said he's going to go back to his old job, being a Republican."
said the unemployment situation is turning around. Last week
alone, 5,000 people started working for John Kerry."
Kucinich and Howard Dean remind me of Christina Aguilera's
boobs: everyone's just waiting for them to drop out."
Kerry has been endorsed by Dick Gephardt. Kerry's response,
'What did I do to you?'" —Craig Kilborn
a speech over the weekend, Al Gore brutally attacked President
Bush and his policies. You see, if Al Gore really wants President
Bush to lose in 2004, instead of attacking Bush, he should
endorse him. Look what it did for the Dean campaign."
moment last week for Wesley Clark, his motorcade was pulled
over by Oklahoma state troopers for speeding. He was speeding,
apparently charged with going nowhere fast." —Jay Leno
'Meet the Press' yesterday President Bush was asked what he
would do if he lost the election and Bush said, 'You mean
like last time?'" —Jay Leno
nine months before the election and Bush's poll numbers have
fallen to the exact level that his father's poll numbers were
nine months before he lost to Bill Clinton. Today front runner
John Kerry said he's not superstitious, but just to be on
the safe side, he's going to start f---ing everything that
moves." —Bill Maher
was a disappointing primary season for Lieberman, but on the
plus side his campaign was long, quiet and depressing enough
to qualify as a Jewish holiday." —Tina Fey, Saturday
Night Live's "Weekend Update"
a new issue of Esquire magazine, they revealed that before
he was married to Teresa Heinz, Senator John Kerry dated Morgan
Fairchild, Michelle Phillips, Catherine Oxenberg and Dana
Delany. Finally a Democratic presidential candidate with good
taste in women." —Jay Leno
Kerry won 5 of the 7 contests — a number of political analysts
say the nomination is Kerry's to lose and today Dean said
'I'll show you how to do it.'" —Jay Leno
critic in the L.A. Times said John Kerry looks like he is
thinking too much. Well this is one place President Bush has
him beat." —Jay Leno
week, both John Kerry and Wesley Clark are making campaign
appearance with the guys who saved their lives in Vietnam.
Meanwhile, President Bush is campaigning with a guy that once
took a math test for him." —Conan O'Brien
to Senator John Kerry — the big winner in yesterday’s primary.
Won five out of seven. I just hope all these victories don't
give Kerry a big head." —Jay Leno
Edwards won his home state of South Carolina. He said last
night again there are really two Americas and he wants to
create just one America. And the Republicans said that's fine
with us as long as there is still a first class section."
of poor results at the primaries last night, Senator Joe Lieberman
will be dropping out of the race. Earlier today, he broke
the news to his supporter." —David Letterman
past weekend was tough on a lot of the candidates. John Edwards
got caught trying to bring a pen knife through airport security.
Wesley Clark's motorcade got stopped for speeding in Oklahoma.
And Dennis Kucinich's campaign got cited for loitering."
Dean got under 10 percent in South Carolina, Missouri and
Oklahoma. So that Al Gore endorsement is really starting to
kick in now." —Jay Leno
Kerry appears to be the front runner. Do you know the name
of Kerry's bus? It's the Real Deal Express, that's the name
of his campaign bus. Do you know the name of Dennis Kucinich's
bus? Greyhound." —Jay Leno
Clark is bringing an Army verteran on the campaign trail who
saved his life in Vietnam. However, Clark's plan might backfire
since the man is John Kerry." —Conan O'Brien
have to tape this show around 6 o'clock, 6:30, so we're not
positive of the exact results but I really can confidently
predict the following: Today, voters in seven states from
North Dakota to New Mexico humored Joe Lieberman, ignored
Dennis Kucinich, reminisced about Howard Dean, and admired
Clark's hussle, but still found him too creepy." —Jon
is Groundhog's Day. President Bush looked over at his shadow
and saw John Kerry." —Jay Leno
number of plastic surgeons are claiming that looking at John
Kerry now, as opposed to a few months ago, they believe he's
had Botox shots. They claim a number of his worry lines have
vanished. They haven't vanished, just Howard Dean is wearing
them now." —Jay Leno
Kerry is finding out that it is no fun to be the front runner,
that's when you get all the heat. He had to deny internet
rumors this week that he had Botox treatments. The Republicans
say Kerry should have a clear, unfurrowed brow the old fashioned
way by not giving a sh--." —Bill Maher
campaign that's really in trouble apparently is Howard Dean.
It was in the paper this week he blew 40 million so far with
very little to show for it. Got rid of his campaign manager.
Apparently the campaign manager was responsible with his slogan
that has failed Dean so far: 'I will kill you.'" —Bill
Lieberman placed fifth in the New Hampshire primary, claimed
it was a three-way tie for third. Lost by 30 points, but is
staying in. I think he's taking up history here. He wants
a chance to prove that losing in 2000 was no fluke."
feel great, I'm on the new Joe Lieberman diet. No matter what
I do I just keep losing and losing and losing." —Jay
his big victory speech last night, Senator Kerry said that
he wanted to defeat George Bush and the 'economy of privilege.'
Then he hugged his wife, Teresa, heir to the multi-million
dollar Heinz food fortune." —Jay Leno
experts are saying the reason John Kerry is doing so well
is because he’s 'electable.' Hey, so was Al Gore — in fact,
he even got elected and it didn't help him at all." —Jay
it's starting to get nasty because the latest is there's this
rumor going around that Senator Kerry has had botox shots.
Does anybody care? I think all people really care about is
if Howard Dean has gotten all his temper shots." —Jay
Kerry is lucky. He's got millions of dollars to spend to make
his face look good. Poor Dennis Kucinich, he has to use a
steam iron to get rid of the wrinkles on his face. "
bless Dennis Kucinich. Even though he's doing terrible, he
keeps running. In fact his slogan is 'Don't look back.' Of
course he doesn't have to look back, there's nobody behind
him." —Jay Leno
Dean is fighting back. He said about his campaign shakeup
... you'll see a leaner meaner organization. Meaner? How scarier
is he going to be? Is he going to be biting people now?"
Dean's campaign manager lost his job. You know how it happened?
Right after Howard Dean ran over him with a car." —Craig
"General Wesley Clark has spoken out both in favor and
against the decision to go to war with Iraq. In fact this
weekend in South Carolina, he’ll be debate himself."
Dean announced today he will campaign in seven states. The
states are Rage, Frenzy, Fury, Rath, Fever, Agitation, and
Delirium. Yeeeeaaaah!" —Jay Leno
big winner last night in New Hampshire — Senator John Kerry.
He won 39 percent of the vote, which is pretty good, and begs
the question, why the long face?" —Jay Leno
movement in the Kerry campaign now. His poll numbers are moving,
donations are moving, endorsements are moving. The only thing
not moving is his hair." —Jay Leno
did our elections become the Special Olympics? You're not
all winners. Not everyone gets a hug. You guys got crushed."
—Jon Stewart, on the exuberant losers of the New Hampshire
did well in the exit polls. Every poll said he should exit.
... He came in fifth. The man skipped Iowa and moved to New
Hampshire. Even Seabiscuit is going, 'Lieberman give it up.'"
rumor is Lieberman may be suspending his campaign. He said
he's going to pool all his remaining resources and just play
Lotto. The odds are better." —Jay Leno
got one percent of the vote. And the sad part is there's a
three percent margin of error. That means Kucinich could actually
owe votes." —Jay Leno
Newsweek poll said if the election were held today, John Kerry
would beat Bush 49 percent to 46 percent. And today, President
Bush called Newsweek magazine a threat to world peace."
Dean is desperate to change the subject. Today he was up in
a tree explaining that sleeping in the same bed with children
is charming." —Bill Maher
Dean and his wife were interviewed by Diane Sawyer. I think
the interview with pretty well, they only had to use the pepper
spray on him twice." —David Letterman
Joe Lieberman insists that he is not thinking about the polls,
which is ironic because the polls show that nobody is thinking
about him." —Jay Leno
New Hampshire, Dennis Kucinich went on a ten-stop bus tour
and finally the bus driver said 'Look pal it's the end of
the line, you gotta get off. You can't ride the bus all day.'"
Edwards is an interesting character; doesn't he look like
the guy from the TV commercials that finally asks his doctor
if Viagra is good for him?" —Jay Leno
experts say that during last night's Democratic presidential
debate, nobody made any big mistakes. In a related story,
nobody watched." —Conan O'Brien
the Democratic presidential debate Howard Dean started off
by apologizing to the crowd for having a cold. Then John Kerry
apologized for once having a cold while serving his country
in Vietnam." —Conan O'Brien
Kerry’s victory over Howard Dean has completely changed the
presidential race around. Now instead of the rich white guy
from Yale who lives in the White house facing off against
the rich white guy from Yale who lives in Vermont, he may
have to face the rich white guy from Yale who lives in Massachusetts.
It’s a whole different game." —Jay Leno
big surprise — John Edwards came in second. He was very eloquent;
he said we have two America's — one for the rich and one for
the poor. Today President Bush said, 'Why don't you become
president of the crappy one.'" —Jay Leno
you folks see President Bush's State of the Union Address?
How about that surprise announcement? Howard Dean has been
captured and he's in the hands of interrogators." —David
forbid I should be the last one to criticize, but I think
may be Howard Dean has a bit of a problem because earlier
today during a debate in New Hampshire, he bit off Joe Lieberman's
ear." —David Letterman
don't want to scare anybody here but we just received word
from police that Howard Dean is loose and may be armed with
a microphone." —Craig Kilborn
Dean is narrowing the field of potential running mates. It's
down to Mike Tyson or Bobby Knight." —Craig Kilborn
Security Chief Tom Ridge raised security alert to a code red.
Apparently Howard Dean has escaped. Did you see Dean's crazed
speech the other night, yelling? I see why his wife won't
campaign with him. In fact, Dean has a new slogan: 'Aaghhhh.'"
you see Dean's speech last night? Oh my God! Now I hear the
cows in Iowa are afraid of getting mad Dean disease. I'm no
pundit but it's always a bad sign when at the end of your
speech, your aide is shooting you with a tranquilizer gun."
is a doctor but he acts more like a postal worker!" —Jay
you see Howard Dean ranting and raving? Here's a little tip
Howard — cut back on the Red Bull." —David Letterman
Dean has been the front-runner and last night he finishes
a distant third. Here's what happened: the people of Iowa
realized they didn't want a president with the personality
of a hockey dad." —David Letterman
Dean came in a disappointing third place. Afterwards Dean
said 'Iowa is behind me and now I look forward to screaming
at voters in New Hampshire.'" —Conan O'Brien
Dean finished in third — his lead lasted about as long as
Britney Spears' marriage." —Craig Kilborn
Joe Lieberman — he skipped Iowa — he's now devoting all his
energy to loosing in New Hampshire." —Jay Leno
in the Iowa caucuses, Dennis Kucinich got only one percent
of the vote. Apparently Kucinich knew he was in trouble when
he saw a sign that said, 'You must be this tall.'" —Conan
heard about the big race in Iowa, the Iowa caucuses. It's
amazing. Right now, it's too close to tell who's going to
get their ass kicked by Bush." —Craig Kilborn
John Kerry — the man who fell off the radar — he may win this
thing. Not bad for war hero turned senator. Or John Edwards
— polling a surprising second -- quite a coup for the bastard
son of a retarded mill worker. Let's not forget the screamer
with braces on two legs, Dennis Kucinich. ... If he can overtake
the one testicled half man/half monkey Howard Dean, he could
then easily edge out Richard Gephardt — the pleasant freckled
face congressman" —Daily Show correspondent Rob Corrdry
race for the Democratic nomination is getting tight. In Iowa,
it is a four-way dead heat — Dean, Kerry, Edwards and Gephardt.
It is so close, Fox News doesn't know who to smear."
news for Democratic hopeful Joe Lieberman. According to the
polls, he just pulled ahead of mad cow disease." —Craig
to the latest polls, the race in Iowa between John Kerry,
Howard Dean and Dick Gephardt could end in a three-way tie.
Political experts say there hasn't been a three way in politics
since Bill Clinton." —Conan O'Brien
news — Carol Moseley Braun dropped out of the Democratic presidential
race after a poll revealed she was only 98 points ahead of
Joe Lieberman." —Craig Kilborn
night we had Carol Moseley Braun on the program. She's explaining
to me why she should be the next president of the United States.
I get home that night, check the Internet, and she dropped
out of the race. ... My guess is this whole presidential run
was a ruse to get on this program. Gore did the same thing."
—Daily Show host Jon Stewart
Sharpton said the Democratic Party has to stop treating blacks
as their mistresses. Sharpton then explained a mistress is
where they take you out to have fun, but they don't take you
home. Was that really necessary to explain what a mistress
is to Democrats?" —Jay Leno
Joe Lieberman said his campaign is now picking up momentum,
which tends to happen when you're rolling downhill."
candidate Wesley Clark called for a new probe for the war
in Iraq — he wants to know why he was initially in favor of
it." —Jay Leno
to the New York Times, Dean's wife does not like the spotlight.
If she wanted to stay out of the spotlight, she should have
married Dennis Kucinich." —Jay Leno
to a new survey about the Democratic candidates for president,
most of Howard Dean's support comes from urban voters, most
of Wesley Clark's support comes from rural voters. The survey
also reveals that all of Dennis Kucinich's support comes from
his family." —Conan O'Brien
bout those freezing temps back east — -2 in New York, -6 in
Philly, -8 in Boston — wait, I'm sorry, those are the poll
numbers for John Kerry." —Craig Kilborn