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What's the difference between a man and Bigfoot?
One is covered with matted hair and smells awful. The other has big feet.

What does a man call true love?
An erection.

Why is a man like a moped?
They're both fun to ride until your friends see you with one.

What's the difference between a man and a parrot?
You can teach a parrot to talk nicely.

What's the difference between a marriage and a mental hospital?
At a mental hospital you have to show improvement to get out.

What is six inches long, two inches wide and make men act like fools?
Money.

What's the most effective birth control device for men.
Their manners.

What's a dumb man's martini?
An olive in a glass of beer.

How do men define insomnia?
Waking up every few days.

Why are marriend women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the refrigerator and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the refrigerator.

Why don't men believe in paternity tests?
Because the sample is taken from their finger.

Men are proof of reincarnation.
You can't get that dumb in just one lifetime.

Nobody can call him a quitter.
He always gets fired.

Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

Why does the man bother?
He's hoping for a lucky stroke.
Mine.

Why do male bosses have such poor grammar?
Because they end every sentence with a proposition.

Why don't men cook at home?
No one's invented a steak that will fit in the toaster.

Wife: "I won the lottery! Five million dollars. Whoo-ee--start packing!"
Husband "That's great!!! What should I pack?"
Wife: "Whatever you want, just be out of the house by the time I get there"

Behind every great woman is a man telling her she's ignoring him.

Behind every great man is a puzzled woman.

What did God say after she made Eve?
"Practice makes perfect."

How does a woman know the man is cheating on her?
He starts bathing twice a week.

He keeps a record of everything he eats.
It's called a tie.

What's the one thing that keeps most men out of college?
High School.

Husband: "This coffee isn't fit for a pig!"
Wife: "No problem, I'll get you some that is."

We try to keep him out of the kitchen.
Last time he cooked he burned the salad.

Why don't men eat between meals.
There *IS* no "between" meals.

What's the quickest way to lose 190 pounds of ugly fat?
Divorce him.

What is the definition of an inconsiderate husband?
One who wins a trip to Paris and goes by himself, twice.

How do women define a 50/50 relationship?
We cook/they eat; We clean/they dirt; We iron/ they wrinkle.

How are men like noodles?
They are always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.

Why don't men do laundry?
Cause the washer and dryer don't run on remote control!

What do you call a woman that works like a man??
A Lazy bitch.

Why is urine yellow and sperm white?
So men can tell if they are coming or going.

What's the difference between a man and a cow?
One brain cell that prevents them from shitting all over the place!

Did you hear about the baby born with both sexes?
It had a penis AND a brain!

Why are men with pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

How do most men define marriage?
A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.

Why are men like popcorn?
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

What's the difference between an intelligent man and a UFO?
I don't know, I've never seen either one.

What does a man consider a seven course meal?
A hot dog and a six pack.

Do you know why bankers are good lovers?
They know first hand the penalty for early withdrawal.

Why are men like laxatives?
They can irritate the shit out of you.

Do you know why men have holes in the end of their penises?
So oxygen can get into their brains

How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes

Why is it good that there are women astronauts?
So that when the crew gets lost in space, at least the women will ask for directions

How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomach everytime they see a bikini

Why do men like blonde jokes so much?
Because they can understand them

What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
1. No mind.
2. No business.

Why is a woman different from a PC?
A woman won't accept a 3½" floppy

Why is a man different from a PC?
You only have to tell the PC once

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift?
Exchange him.

Why do bachelors like smart women?
Opposites Attract.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.

What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
The man.

Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.

What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.

What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.

Why are men like commercials?
You can't believe a word they say.

Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Why do so many women fake orgasm?
Because so many men fake foreplay.

What do you do if your best friend runs off with your husband?
Miss her.
Pity her.

How does a man save a woman from being attacked on the street at night?
He controls himself.

Why don't men like to drink coffee at work?
It keeps them awake.

Why do men buy electric lawn mowers?
So they can find their way back to the house.

Why is it dangerous to tell the husband to go and change the son?
Two hours later he comes back with a baby girl.

Why didn't the husband change the baby for a week?
Because the text on the nappies package said '18-40 lbs'.

Why do men come home drunk and leave their clothes on the floor?
Because they are in them.

Why do men want to vote for a female President?
Because we'd only have to pay her half as much.

What's the difference between a man and a messy room?
You can straighten up a messy room.

What's the difference between a man and an ox?
Fifteen pounds and a six-pack.

How many men would it take to mop a floor?
No one knows; they've never done it.

What is a "successful hunting trip"?
When three men kill 9 cases of Budweiser in two days

Curse

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells "PIG!!!"

The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "BITCH!!!"

They each continue on their way, and ..... as the man rounds the next
corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road ..... and dies immediately.

If only men would listen.

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