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Q. Why is a conductor like a condom?
A. It's safer with one, but more fun without.

Q. Why are so many violists dating drummers?
A. It makes them feel superior.

Q. What's the difference between God and a conductor?
A. God knows He's not a conductor.

Q. What's the difference between an Uzi and an accordion?
A. The Uzi stops after 20 rounds.

Q. What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?
A. The bull has the horns in the front and the asshole in the back.

Q. What's a bassoon good for?
A. Kindling for an accordion fire.

Q. How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
A. Give him some sheet music.

Q. What's a guy that hangs out with musicians called?
A. A drummer.

Q. How can you tell when a drummer is sitting up straight?
A. He dribbles out of both sides of his mouth!

Q. What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
A. You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.

Q. Why is a drum machine better than a drummer?
A. Because it can keep a steady beat and won't sleep with your girlfriend.

Q. How can you tell when a drummer's at the door?
A. He doesn't know when to come in.

Q. Why are conductor's hearts so coveted for transplants?
A. They've had so little use.

Q. What's the last thing a drummer says in a band?
A. "Hey, guys - why don't we try one of my songs? ..."

Q. How do you get two piccolo players to play in unison?
A. Shoot one.

Q. What is the range of a piccolo?
A. Oh, about twenty yards on a good day.

Q. What is the definition of perfect pitch in a piccolo?
A. When you throw it in the toilet and it doesn't hit the rim.

Q. What's the difference between a pizza and a drummer?
A. A pizza can feed a family of four.

Q. If a drummer and a bass guitarist caught a cab, which one would be the musician?
A. The cab driver.

Q. What's the difference between a sax player and a lawn mower?
A. One cuts grass and the other smokes it.

Q. What would you do if you had all the bagpipe players on earth lined up end-to-end to the moon and back?
A. Leave them there.

Q. How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
A. You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.

Q. How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune?
A. Someone is blowing into it.

Q. Which is better: electric guitar or harmonica?
A. Electric guitar. You can't beat a harmonica player to death with a harmonica.

Q. What do violists and Mike Tyson have in common?
A. They both are hard on ears.

Q. Why is intermission only 20 minutes long?
A. So that the cellists don't have to be retrained.

Q. Why are harps like elderly parents?
A. They're both unforgiving and hard to get in and out of cars.