Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's
a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you
don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what
the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball
cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes
of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much
men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay,
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's
a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but
without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called
a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over
ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop messing with old people. Target is introducing
a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label.
And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures
out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations,
Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger
the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf
grande half-soy, half-low
fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra
dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet,"
ooh, you're a huge asshole.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from
sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter,"
verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back,
and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed
to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
Paper? plastic? I don't have time for that. I've just been
called to do a cleanup on Aisle Nine!
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters
in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack
of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli."
The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying
to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the
seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of
Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the
poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive
farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called
"The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra
hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based
on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone
in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the
other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television
show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to
be a movie.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be
just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations
from rehab. Picking up the stuff you want and having other
people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the middle class
version of looting.
New Rule, and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants.
After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint
like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell
if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish.
I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need
to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two,"
will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't care in
the first place