Man
Gives Up On Women
April 10, 2003 - Atlanta, USA
Atlanta native auto mechanic Michael Ross publicly declares
that he has given up the life long struggle to figure out
what women really want. This came after a recently published
report estimating American corporations had spent over $1
billion dollars in 2001 to determine what want women want
from their products and marketing, and had largely failed.
"If combining rooms full of highly skilled experts and
truckloads of money can't figure these women out, how on earth
is the typical blue collar man with $28,000 after tax dollars
a year supposed to?" said Mr. Ross during an interview
with Atlanta news reporters. "It may be that these women
themselves have no idea what they are looking for or what
will win them over. Many admit to having the exact same qualities
in one man be endearing, while in another, off-putting."
Mr. Ross's web site has generated over 32,000 letters of support
from other men in its guest book since his announcement earlier
in the day.
Owner
of Perfect House Lives in Car
September 18, 2002 - Baltimore, USA
In fear of possibly disturbing the perfection that is his
house, Donald Manison has been forced to live in his 1998
Dodge Caravan. “I became obsessive, everything in the house
was so photo-perfect that I was eventually scared of walking
on the carpet in fear that I might disturb the direction of
the carpet threads.?Magazines wanting a glimpse and photos
of the perfect house were limited to viewing through opened
ground floor windows. When asked how long he will continue
his present lifestyle he replied, “If living in my mini-van
is payment for a perfect house, I’m willing to pay?
Elderly
Man Sued for Stopping at Stop Sign
September 9, 2002 - Atlanta, USA
In a case possibly first of its kind, 67 year old Arthur Thompson
is being sued by 32 year old Lynn Manaouski for stopping at
a 4-way stop sign. In her statement she described how she
came up to the intersection leading into her downtown condo,
and rear ended the driver in front of her due to his 'complete
and full stop'. She continues to say that of the almost 2
years of living in that particular condominium complex, she
had not once been behind someone who had made a full stop
at the stop sign, and that his inability to be 'consistent
with typical driving patterns' caused the accident. As a result,
she is convinced that Mr. Thompson is directly responsible
for the accident and should be held accountable for all incurred
costs of repair to both vehicles. When reminded that it is
the law to make a complete stop at a stop sign, her abrupt
response was "I am quite capable of deciding when it
is a good or bad time to stop my vehicle."
Worlds
Cheapest Tip
September 1, 2002 - Arkansas, USA
An Arkansas primary school teacher has been declared the worlds
cheapest tipper after ordering more than $250 worth of food
and drinks for his wife and self and leaving a 5 rupee tip.
Rupee, an Indian currency, is worth approximately 0.02 of
an American dollar. When questioned the man replied, "I
had just returned from a trip to India and I had mistaken
the coins for more valuable American currency." Relaying
this to the offended waitress she responded, "His excuse
is weak, since when would you be cracking out foreign coins
(that do not even resemble American money) as a tip for a
$250 dollar dinner? There is no way with a bill like that
you would use coins to tip at the customary 10%-15%, and even
tipping at something like 3% would still need bills. His tip
wasn't even a percent!"
Man
Sues Coffee Shop for Ice Mocha Mishap
August 26, 2002 - Michigan, USA
After spilling an iced coffee
beverage onto his lap while driving from a local coffee shop
drive-through a Michigan man is now suing the shop for $800,000
in damages and mental anguish. The man claimed it was a "traumatic
experience" that has negatively altered his life in many
ways. He claims that he was unaware of the frigid temperature
of his Ice Mocha or he would have taken better precautions
with handling the beverage. The coffee shop owner said during
our interview, "Anyone who doesn't know the temperature
of a drink that has the word 'ice' in its name has much more
important things to worry about than a moment of discomfort
due to his own negligence. He sustained no physical harm,
there were no damages to his vehicle or possessions except
a brown stain on his pants, which I am sure is something he
is used to."
Man
Arrested for Sexually Assaulting Female Manikin
August 19, 2002 - Georgia, USA
A man resembling a giant kid was arrested Thursday for sexually
assaulting a manikin at a women’s fashion outlet store. Store
clerks describe how the man made several trips past the manikin,
and then went up onto the podium where he commenced to fondle
the manikin’s breasts. When questioned about the incident,
he said "I couldn't help it, she had the nicest set of
tits I’ve seen in a long time."
Impolite
Movie Goer Beaten To Death
August 12, 2002 - Michigan, USA
Movie enthusiast Brad Densley was admitted to the emergency
room of a local Michigan hospital Thursday evening, and was
later pronounced dead. This was after being brutally beaten
in a movie theatre for answering his mobile phone during a
pivotal moment in the movie's plot. Right away the whimsical
monotone song the cell phone rang to immediately started people
hissing and moving around in their seats. "As soon as
I heard Jingle Bells from across the theatre in mid August,
I wanted to hurt someone." said one audience member with
a notable look of anger and hatred in his face. But when Mr.
Densley then answered the phone, began talking pleasantries
in an almost normal voice and proceeded to relay a shopping
list to his wife, the audience went absolutely nuts. "It
was when he started with the shopping list and he got down
to the third item which was, I dunno, milk or something. I
really wanted to stick that phone up his ass. Everyone started
plowing over rows of seats to get to the guy and ring his
neck, including myself." commented one person involved
in the beating. "From the moment I saw him in the front
lobby I knew he was an arrogant loser from his ill coordinated
NY Yankees hat and LA Lakers t-shirt." Stated one man
who was able to get a few kidney shots into Mr. Densley before
leaving the theatre in disgust on Thursday. When interviewing
the wife of Mr. Densley she stated, "This sort of thing
has happened before and each time I was beyond embarrassed.
But I never thought it would escalate from minor fist fights
and kicking matches to the point where he looses his life.
I am disappointed that the theatre staff looked the other
way and did nothing to prevent my husband's death, with one
usher in fact joining in on the beatings." Six men and
two women were later charged and sentenced to appear in court,
eleven others were issued warnings.
Airlines
Take Cost Cutting to New Lows
August 5, 2002 - Mississippi, USA
In an effort to cut costs, major airlines are resorting to
cutting back even the smallest of items to curb expenditures.
One in particular is the removal of barf bags on flights commencing
August. "Annual savings are expected to exceed $450,200US",
stated investor relations manager Carol Bauer, "The small
percentage who actually use them are increasing ticket prices
for the rest." But outraged motion sickness prone travelers
had a less enthusiastic view of the matter. "I guess
I will just have to hurl onto the meal tray. Frankly, based
on my last flight, I don't think the Sautéed Pork and vegetable
melody will look much different if I did." said one angry
traveler. When the airlines were asked what they expected
passengers to do in the event of motion sickness they replied,
"Users of our planes who are prone to such sensitivities
should bring with them preventative medicines and appropriate
containers, we are not operating a flying hospital."
Man
Never Misses Trip To Gym For 5 Years
July 29, 2002 - Florida, USA
In an attempt to force himself into a healthy routine of exercise,
a Florida man hired a hit man to kill him if he failed to
show up to any of his 3 weekly workouts for the past 5 years.
"At first I thought the ridiculous membership fees and
that ludicrous up front joining fee would make me workout
so I wouldn't waste the money - but that didn't work. Within
weeks I was coming up with all sorts of lame pathetic excuses
not to go. So I decided that if money wouldn't promote me
to go, losing my life would. The hit man idea has worked like
a charm, maybe even too good. There were some times that I
truly would have preferred not to go, like that time I had
bronchial asthmatic pneumonia. I've never had so much dark
green mucus running down my face in my life, you should have
seen that treadmill afterwards. But with all its ups and downs,
my only complaint lately is that what I originally thought
were expensive gym fees have been over shadowed by the high
cost of the hit man. Now that I want to stop, I can't because
I told him to shoot me if I told him I wanted to give up."
Publisher
Releases Guide to Kicking Cats
July 25, 2002 - USA
The 45 page colour instructional book entitled "Kicking
Cats" guides men through the process of kicking cats
down flights of stairs without repercussions from their spouse
or girlfriends. "It isn't as easy as one would think
to successfully do and get away with", comments author
John Moore. "I was caught numerous times by my at the
time girlfriends and eventually became determined to develop
a fail-proof process. This book represents years of studying,
practicing, research and an estimated 150 test cats. At first
I was somewhat alarmed by my dislike for cats, when considering
how much my girlfriends and ex-wife liked them. But after
talking to scores of other men about my pent up feelings of
anger towards cats, I realized I was far from alone. That
is why the introduction goes into great detail about the history
of cat kicking and some of the current theories on men's hatred
of cats. The secret to a successful kick is to first befriend
the cat, building its trust in you. It is when the cat is
truly relaxed and comfortable around you that you can then
angle it towards the stair case for a mighty punt."
Pope
visits Lake Simcoe
July 22, 2002 - Ontario, Canada
Not only is it part of the Popes job to visit many parts of
the globe, but it is also his passionate goal to see as many
places as he can in his life time. When questioned, as to
what brought him to Lake Simcoe he replied “Well, I have been
everywhere on my ‘must see?list; ‘could be nice?list; ‘well,
what the hey list and ‘its so cheap I can’t afford not to?list,
now I’m basically going through all the places I really never
wanted to go to?
AOL
Advert Campaign Actor Dies of Boredom
July 22, 2002 - California, USA
Jeffery Goldstein, the actor whose embarrassing line “I love
when it says ‘You’ve got mail?, won him enemies the world
over, passed away last night due to extreme unbelievable boredom.
When questioning his mother about her son she stated, “What
he said in the ad was actually true, he would spend hours
a day signing up for spam lists, newsletters, write e-cards
to himself and even post messages on bulletin boards asking
others to spam his email address just so he could hear that
retched ‘You’ve got mail?. His mother continued on to explain
the cause of the death, “But when the speakers attached to
his computer stopped working last night, a few hours after
the last ‘You’ve got mail? he slipped into a boredom induced
death spiral. The doctor said the symptoms of his death are
similar to thousands others who were listening to the latest
Celine Dion album?
Lack
of Talent Contest Being Held for Next Batch of Mac Commercials
July 22, 2002 - New York, USA
Apple's new "Switch" television ad campaign, featuring
people who didn't quite know what to do with a Windows based
PC that moved to that Mac platform, will continue into the
summer season. In order to find actors similarly dense and
ignorant to the ones featured in the first batch of commercials,
Apple will be holding a Lack of Talent contest. Campaign producer
Ted Zielchman commented, "All of the actors we were getting
from the talent agencies were too intelligent, and these are
people who are usually rejected based on lack of intelligence,
so we are faced with a unique problem. I believe though, based
on the applicants for the contest so far, we have some likely
candidates. Some were unable to even spell their name and
had that 'not so bright look on their face' - consistent with
the first batch of actors we used. The first batch were easy
to find, we visited the local district Mac Club. After that
we simply had a hard time finding anyone willing to admit
being an Apple user."
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