A Marine was
coming home from the Pentagon one day. He
noticed that there was a lot more traffic than
normal. As he got further up the road all of the
traffic had come to a halt. He saw a policeman
coming towards his car, so he asked the cop what
was wrong. The cop said, "Man we are in a crisis
situation. Mr. Clinton is in the road very
upset. He does not have the $33.5 million that
he owes his lawyers, and his family hates him.
He is threatening to douse himself in gasoline
and start a fire." The marine asked the cop
exactly what he was doing there." The cop said,
" I feel sorry for the president so I am going
car to car asking for donations." The marine
asked, "How much do you have so far?" The cop
replied, "Well as of right now only 33 gallons,
but many people are still siphoning as we
speak!"
One day about a
month ago, Bill Clinton was looking for a call
girl. He found three such ladies in a local
lounge---a blonde , a brunette , and a redhead.
To the blonde he said , "I am the president of
the united states. How much would it cost me to
spend some time with you?" The blonde replied,
"Two hundred dollars." To the brunette he posed
the same question , and she replied, "One
hundred dollars. "He then asked the redhead the
same question. The redhead replied, "Mr.
President , if you can raise my skirt as high as
my taxes.... Get my panties as low as my
wages...get that thing of yours as hard as the
times... Keep it high as the gas prices...keep
me warmer than my apartment...and...screw me in
private the way you do in public, then believe
me Mr. President , it ain't gonna cost you a
cent."
At a meeting
for peace negotiations Bill Clinton and Sadamm
Hussein were in Baghdad and when bill sat down
in the conference room he noticed Saddamm with
three buttons on the arm of his chair. after a
few minutes Sadamm pressed the first button and
a boxing glove sprung up and hit Bill square in
the jaw. In the spirit of peace Bill decided to
ignore this and continued talking until sadamm
pressed the second button and a wooden bat swung
out and hill Bill in the chin. Sadamm started
laughing. But again Bill ignored this and
continued . A minute later Bill saw Sadamm press
the third button and he jumped in the air. But a
big boot sprung out and hit him in the balls.
Bill had decided he had enough of this and when
back home.
Three weeks
later the peace negotiations were re-scheduled
in Washington and as Sadamm sat down in Bills
conference room he noticed Bill had three
buttons on the arm of his chair. A little while
after they started talking Bill pressed the
first button but nothing happened, Bill started
giggling. They continued to talk then Bill
pressed the second button, Sadamm moved but
again nothing happened. Sadamm was getting a
little jumpy and Bill was laughing even harder.
A few minutes later Bill pressed the third
button and stared pissing himself but like the
others nothing happened. Sadamm had enough of
this, stood up and said "That's it! I'm going
back to Baghdad!" , to which Bill replied "What
Baghdad?"
The first
ladies of UK, Russia and France were having a
meeting with Lady Hilary Clinton. The subject of
discussion was the penis of their respective
spouse. The first lady of UK says, "It is like a
gentle man- it stands up, as soon as I enter the
room" The lady from Russia says, "It is like an
army officer- you do not know where he will
attack from- front or back.." The French lady
says, "It is like the screen in the auditorium-
once the act is performed, it drops down..."
Then Hilary says, "It's like a rumour... it
moves from one mouth to another..."
Dan Quayle,
Newt Gingrich and Bill Clinton are traveling in
a car together in the Midwest. A tornado comes
along and whirls them up into the air and tosses
them thousands of yards away. When they come
down and extract themselves from the vehicle,
they realize they're in the land of Oz. They
decide to go to see the Wizard of Oz. Quayle
says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain."
Gingrich says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for
a heart." Clinton says, "Where's Dorothy?"
Clinton walks
out into his garden one day and in the snow he
says "bastard" written in piss. He is so
outraged he goes into the oval office and calls
the CIA and FBI to tell them to find out who did
this horrible thing to his garden. So they go
out and investigate and when they return they
say "Well Bill, we've got bad news and we've got
worse news, which one would you like to hear
first?" And Bill says, "What's the bad news?"
The agent replies, "It was Al Gore." Aghast Bill
yells, "That dirty no good son of a bitch!!!!!
What's the worse news?" So the agent says, "It
was Hillary's handwriting..."
The Clinton's
and the Gores are traveling aboard Air Force
One. Bill Clinton looks out the window and says,
"You know, I bet I could drop a $10,000 bill out
the window and make one person very happy!" Al
Gore comments, "Yes, but I could drop ten $1000
bills out the window, and make ten people very
happy." Hillary Clinton says, "True, but I could
drop one hundred $100 bills out the window, and
make one hundred people very happy. Chelsea
responds, "Big deal! I could drop all of you out
the window, and make the whole country happy!"
Richard Nixon,
Jimmy Carter, and Bill Clinton are on the
titanic. When it starts to sink Carter yells,
"Quick, save the women and children!" Nixon:
"Screw the women and children" Clinton: "Do we
have time?"
Jerry Falwell
was seated next to President Clinton on a recent
flight. After the plane was airborne, the flight
attendant came around for drink orders. The
President asked for a whiskey & soda, which was
brought and placed before him.
The attendant then asked the minister if he
would also like a drink. The minister replied in
disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by
a brazen whore than let liquor touch these
lips!"
The President then handed his drink back to the
attendant and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't know
there was a choice. I'll have the same thing
he's having."
Hillary went
into a pet shop and found a beautiful, colorful
parrot. "Does this parrot talk?" she asked.
"Yes, he does," the manager told her. "But why
is this one only $50 and all the others are
$500?" she asked. "Well, ma'am," the manager
told her, "not everyone would want to own this
parrot. He spent many years in a whorehouse, and
his language is terrible."
"Well, I want him," she said. "Suit yourself,"
the manager shrugged. When she got the parrot
back to the White House, she uncovered his cage
and admired the colorful bird. The parrot tilted
his head to one side, looked her straight in the
eye, and said, "New house, new madam." Hillary
laughed.
Soon Chelsea and a friend came in and began
admiring the bird. "New house, new whores," the
parrot observed. At first they were offended,
but when Hilary explained about the bird's
history, they too, laughed at him.
A few minutes later, the president entered the
living quarters. The parrot looked up from his
feeder and said, "Hi, Bill."
Bill Clinton
and Al Gore were taking a shower at the gym
after a strenuous exercise. Bill looked down at
Al's dick and was shocked at how big it was. "My
GOD, Al, that thing is HUGE! How'd you get it
that big?" Bill asked in awe. "Well, every
night, I whack it three times against the
bedpost," he answered proudly. "Well, I'll have
to try that," Bill said. So that night, when
Bill got home, Hilary was already in bed, half
asleep. Bill took out his dick and thumped three
times against the bed-post. Thump. Thump. Thump.
Suddenly, Hilary sat bolt upright in bed. "Al,
is that you?" she asked.
Al
Gore is out jogging one morning, notices a
little boy on the corner with a box. Curious, he
runs over to the child and says, "What's in the
box, kid?" The little boy says, "Kittens,
they're brand new kittens." Al Gore laughs and
says, "What kind of kittens are they?"
"Democrats," the child says. "Oh, that's cute,"
Al Gore says and he runs off. A couple of days
later, Al Gore is running with his buddy Bill
Clinton and he spies the same boy with his box
just ahead. Al says to Bill, "You gotta check
this out," and they both jog over to the boy
with the box. Al says, "Look in the box Bill,
isn't that cute? Look at those little kittens.
Hey, kid, tell my friend Bill what kind of
kittens they are." The boy replies, "They're
Republicans."
"Whoa!" Al says, "I came by here the other day
and you said they were Democrats. What's up?"
"Well," the kid says, "Their eyes are open now."
The Clintons
and the Gores were having dinner one evening and
the topic of conversation got around to sex and
partners. They all agreed they would swap
partners for the night. About 2:00 o'clock the
next morning, Bill got up on one elbow in bed
and said " Al, what do you suppose the women are
doing right now?"
A little boy
goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it
this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so
let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the
administrator of the money, so we'll call her
the Government. We're here to take care of your
needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny,
we'll consider her the Working Class. And your
baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now,
think about that and see if that makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about
what dad had said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother
crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds
that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So
the little boy goes to his parents' room and
finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to
wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding
the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and
sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives
up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the
little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I
understand the concept of politics now." The
father says, "Good son, tell me in your own
words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism
is screwing the Working Class, the Government is
sound asleep, the People are being ignored and
the Future is in deep shit."
A Congressman
was once asked about his attitude toward
whiskey... "If you mean the demon drink that
poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates
family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm
against it. But if you mean the elixir of
Christmas cheer, the shield against winter
chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds
into public coffers to comfort little crippled
children, then I'm for it. This is my position,
and I will not compromise!"
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