TOP 10
SIGNS YOUR FAMILY IS STRESSED...
10. Conversations
often begin with "Put the gun down, and then we
can talk".
9. The school
principal has your number on speed-dial.
8. The cat is
on Valium.
7. People have
trouble understanding your kids, because they
learned to speak through clenched teeth.
6. You are
trying to get your four-year-old to switch to
decaffeinated.
5. The number
of jobs held down by family members exceeds the
number of people in the family.
4. No one has
time to wait for microwave TV dinners.
3. "Family
meetings" are often mediated by law enforcement
officials.
2. You have to
check your kid's day-timer to see if he can take
out the trash.
1. Maxwell
House gives you industrial rates.
TOP TEN
WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE PMS...
10. Everyone
around you has an attitude problem.
9. You're
adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet
8. The dryer
has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
7. Your husband
is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
6. You're using
your cell phone to dial up bumper stickers that
says, "How's my driving? Call 1-800-EAT-SHIT."
5. Everyone's
head looks like an invitation to batting
practice.
4. You're
convinced there's a God and he's male.
3. You're
counting down the days until menopause.
2. You're sure
that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
1. The
ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it
yesterday.
TOP TEN
THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND...
10. Cats'
facial expressions
9. The need for
the same style of shoes in different colors
8. Why bean
sprouts aren't just weeds
7. Fat clothes
6. Taking a car
trip without trying to beat your best time
5. The
difference between beige, off-white, and
eggshell
4. Cutting your
bangs to make them grow
3. Eyelash
curlers
2. The
inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made
1. OTHER WOMEN
TOP TEN
THINGS MEN WOULD DO IF THEY WOKE UP WITH A
VAGINA FOR A DAY...
10. Immediately
go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
9. Squat over a
hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.
8. See if they
could finally do the splits.
7. See if it's
truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20
feet.
6. Cross their
legs without rearranging their crotch.
5. Get picked
up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE
closing time.
4. Have
consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready
for more without sleeping first.
3. Go to the
gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have
it recorded on video.
2. Sit on the
edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.
1. Finally find
that damned G-spot.
TOP TEN
THINGS WOMEN WOULD DO IF THEY WOKE UP AND HAD A
PENIS FOR A DAY...
10. Get ahead
faster in corporate America.
9. Get a blow
job.
8. Find out
what is so fascinating about beating the meat.
7. Pee standing
up while talking to other men at a urinal.
6. Determine
WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.
5. Find out
what it's like to be on the other end of a
surging orgasm.
4. Touch
yourself in public without thought as to how
improper it may seem.
3. Jump up and
down naked with an erection to see if it feels
as funny as it looks.
2. Understand
the scientific reason for the light refraction
which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler
situated next to his member which causes two
inches to be added to the final measurement.
1. Repeat
number 9......
TOP TEN
THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR IN CHURCH...
10. Hey! It's
my turn to sit in the front pew.
9. I was so
enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25
minutes over time.
8. Personally I
find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.
7. I've decided
to give our church the $500 a month I used to
send to TV evangelists.
6. I volunteer
to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High
Sunday School class.
5. Forget the
denominational minimum salary, let's pay our
pastor so he can live like we do.
4. I love it
when we sing hymns I've never heard before!
3. Since we're
all here, let's start the service early.
2. Pastor, we'd
like to send you to this Bible seminar in the
Bahamas.
1. Nothing
inspires me and strengthens my commitment like
our annual stewardship campaign!
TOP TEN
TV SHOWS IN IRAQ
10. Husseinfeld
9. Mad About
Everything
8. Allah McBeal
7. Wheel of
Fortune and Terror
6. Achmed's
Creek
5. The Price is
Right if Saddam Says it's Right
4. Children Are
Forbidden From Saying Anything Darndest
3. The Brian
Benben Bin Laden Show
2. Buffy the
Slayer of American Imperialist Dogs
1. Suddenly
Sanctions
TOP 10
SIGNS SOMEONE PLAYS TOO MANY VIDEO GAMES
10. They ask
for all their money in quarters.
9. They're not
sure what season, or year it is.
8. They're best
friends names are Super Mario, Pac-man, and
Sonic (if they have real-life friends).
7. The electric
company and the toy store sends them birthday
cards.
6. Big falling
blocks and hot lava pits haunt their dreams.
5. Their
fingers twitch all the time.
4. When they
are sick at home the change clerk at the arcade
calls to see if they are all right.
3. They can
play 2 player games by themselves.
2. Everyone at
the arcade knows them by name.
1. Someone is
reading this to them, 'cause they're too busy
getting a new high score and can not be
bothered.
TOP TEN
SONG TITLES ON THE POPE'S NEW ALBUM
10. Girls Just
Want To Be Nuns
9. Wind Beneath
My Vestments
8. Pretty Fly
(For A Celibate Guy)
7. A Whiter
Shade Of Robe
6. Exactly Like
A Virgin
5. Sistine
Candles
4. Take This
Job And Read It
3. Gettin'
Popey Wit It
2. God Must
Have Spent A Little More Time On Me
1. Papa's Got A
Brand New Encyclical
TOP TEN
BAD THINGS ABOUT HAVING A SUMMER TIME SHARE WITH
DARTH VADER
10. Claims
those long-distance calls to the Death Star
aren't his.
9. Uses Jedi
powers to shake up your root beer right before
you open it.
8. He's always
accusing you of hiding his asthma inhaler.
7. Claims he
paid you the rent "a long, long time ago."
6. Dances
around in nothing but cape and cowboy hat while
doing "Darth Brooks" routine.
5. For once he
could use Force to lift his wet towel off the
couch.
4. That scary
music that plays when he enters a room gets old
real fast.
3. You feel
like an idiot saying, "No, Darth isn't here.
He's on the ice planet Hoth."
2. Not easy
cleaning burnt Ewok fur off the barbecue grill.
1. Constantly
doing his lame James Earl Jones impression.
TOP TEN
THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY IN GOLF BUT AREN'T
10. Nuts...my
shaft is bent.
9. After 18
holes I can barely walk.
8. You really
whacked the hell out of that sucker.
7. Look at the
size of his putter.
6. Keep your
head down and spread your legs a bit more.
5. Mind if I
join your threesome?
4. Stand with
your back turned and drop it.
3. My hands are
so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
2. Nice stroke,
but your follow through has a lot to be desired.
1. Hold up...I
need to wash my balls first.
TOP TEN
REASONS WHY TRICK OR TREATING IS BETTER THAN
SEX.....
10. You are guaranteed to get at least a little
something in the sack.
9. If you get
tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it
again.
8. The uglier
you look, the easier it is to get some.
7. You don't
have to compliment the person who gives you so
me.
6. It's O.K.
when the person you're with fantasizes you're
someone else, because you are.
5. Forty years
from now you'll still enjoy candy.
4. If you don't
like what you get, you can always go next door.
3. It doesn't
matter if the kids hear you moaning and
groaning.
2. Less guilt
the morning after.
1. You can do
the whole neighborhood.
|