A
fellow walks into a bar very down on himself. As he walks
up to the bar the bartender asks, "what's the matter?"
The
fellow replies, "well I've got these two horses (sniff,sniff),
and well... I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing
up riding times or even feeding them the right foods."
The
bartender, feeling sorry for the guy, tries to think of somthing
he can do. "Why don't you try shaving the tail of one
of the horses?"
The
man stops crying and says, "that sounds like a good idea,
I think I'll try it."
A
few months later he comes back to the bar in worse condition
than he was before. "What's the matter now?" the
bartender asks.
The
fellow, in no condition to be in public, answers, "I
shaved the tail of one of the horses (sob, sob), but it grew
back and I can't tell them apart again!" The bartender,
now just wanting him to shut up or leave says, "why don't
you try shaving the mane, maybe that will not grow back."
The
fellow stops crying, has a few drinks, and leaves. A few months
later the fellow is back in the bar. The bartender has never
seen anybody in this sorry of a state. Without the bartender
even asking the fellow breaks into his problems. "I..
I shaved the (sob) mane of one of the (sniff) horses, and...
it... it... grew back!"
The
bartenter, now furious at the guy's general stupidity, yells,
"for crying out loud, just measure the stupid horses.
Perhaps one is slightly taller that the other one!" The
fellow can not believe what the bartender has said and storms
out of the bar.
The
next day the fellow comes running back into the bar as if
he had just won the lottery. "It worked, it worked!"
he exclaims. "I measured the horses and the black one
is two inches taller than the white one!"
A
drunk in a bar pukes all over his own shirt, which was brand
new before he came in. “Damn,” he says. “I puked on my shirt
again. If the wife finds out, she’s gonna kill me.”
“Not
to worry,” says the bartender as he sticks a $20 bill in the
drunk’s pocket. “Just tell her someone puked on you and gave
you some cash to cover the cleaning bill.”
So
the drunk goes home and tells his wife about the guy who puked
on him. She reaches into his pocket and finds two twenties.
“Why are there two twenties?” she asks.
The
drunk replies, “Oh, yeah, he crapped in my pants, too.”
Sometimes
when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then
I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery
and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this
beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be
shattered. I think, "It is better to drink this beer
and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about
my liver."
-- Babe Ruth
An
intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time
with his fools.
-- Ernest Hemingway
When
I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
-- Paul Hornung
24
hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.
-- H.L. Mencken
When
we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin,
we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!
-- George Bernard Shaw
Beer
is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
-- Benjamin Franklin
Without
question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind
is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention,
but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
-- Dave Barry
Beer:
helping ugly people have sex since 3000 b.c.
-- W.C. Fields
Remember
"I" before "E", except in Budweiser.
-- Professor Irwin Corey
To
some it's a six-pack, to me it's a "support group."
Salvation in a can!
-- Leo Durocher
One
night at Cheers, Cliff Clavin explained the "Buffalo
Theory" to his buddy, Norm. "Well ya see, Norm,
it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as
the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the
slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because
the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving
by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the
same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the
slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know,
kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and
weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption
of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain
a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always
feel smarter after a few beers."
An Irishman is really, really drunk, so the bar keeper walks
up to him and says:
"Right, you've had enough, go home..."
So the irishman gets up off his stool and falls flat on his
face, so he says:
"Ok, ai'll crawl outside instead, to sober up a bit more"
He gets outside, and falls flat on his face, so instead he
crawls the four streets to his home. when he gets home he
opens the door, standing, and yet again falls flat on his
face. so he crawls upstairs into his room, stands up and falls
flat on his bed and falls fast asleep straight away.
The following morning his wife wakes him up and says, 'You've
been drinking again haven't you?'
The Irishman replies, 'What makes you say that?'
His wife replies, 'Well the pub just called, you've left your
wheelchair there again!'
A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders
a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink,
he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender
to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that
it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the
bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says,
"Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long
- but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket
before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm
peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good,
I know it's time to go home."
A woman in the bar says
that she wants to have plastic surgery to
enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her,
"Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know
how to do it without surgery."
The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"
"Just rub toilet paper between them."
Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them
bigger?"
"I don't know, but it worked for your ass."
A guy walks into a bar
and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to
go to the can. He doesn't want anyone to steal
his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I
spat in this beer, do not drink!". After a few
minutes he returns and there is another sign
next to his beer saying, "So did I!"
A man limps into a bar
with a cane and alligator. The bartender stops
him and says "Hold on a second here - you can't
bring that animal in here, they aren't allowed!"
So the man says, "But my gator here does a
really cool trick..."
The bartender says "Well
then, lets see!" So the man whips out his dick
and shoves it in the gators mouth. He then takes
his cane and starts bashing the gator in the
head with it. A crowd gathers around and
everyone is astonished when he pulls out his
dick without a single scratch.
He looks around at the
crowd and says, "Does anyone else want to try?"
An old lady raises her hand and says..."Sure,
but don't hit me with that stick."
There were these two guys
in a bar, which was on the 20th floor of a
building. The first man said " I bet you $100 I
can jump out that window and come straight back
in!" The second man says "Ok, sure." and the
barman holds the bet. The first man jumps out
the window and disappears for a second before
jumping straight back in. Disappointed about
losing the $100, the second man says: " I'll bet
you another $100 you can't do it again." So the
barman holds the bet. Sure enough, the first man
jumps out the window, disappears for a second,
then jumps straight back in. Thinking he must
have caught a freak gust of wind, the second man
says "Ok, I bet you $300 I can jump out the
window and come straight back in." The first man
says" Ok, sure." The second man jumps out the
window and falls to the footpath below. He is
dead. Back up in the bar, the barman says to the
first man " Gee, you can be a bastard when
you're pissed, Superman."
This bartender is in a
bar, when this really hot chick walks up and
says in a sexy seductive voice, "May I please
speak to your manager?" He says, "Not right now,
is there anything I can help you with?" She
replies, "I don't know if your the man to talk
to...its kind of personal..." Thinking he might
get lucky, he goes, "I'm pretty sure I can
handle your problem, miss." She then looks at
him with a smile, and puts two of her fingers in
his mouth...and he begins sucking them, thinking
"I'm in!!!" She goes, "Can you give the manager
something for me?" The bartender nods...yes.
"Tell him there's no toilet paper in the ladies
restroom."
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