Two blonde carpenters were working on a house. The one who was nailing down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in.

The other, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"

The first explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed toward me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the house, then I nail it in!"

The second blonde got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! The nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"

A carpenter was giving evidence about an accident he had witnessed. The lawyer for the defendant was trying to discredit him and asked him how far away he was from the accident.

The carpenter replied, "Twenty-seven feet, six and one-half inches."

"What? How come you are so sure of that distance?" asked the lawyer.

"Well, I knew sooner or later some idiot would ask me. So I measured it!" replied the carpenter.

A fellow walks into a bar very down on himself. As he walks up to the bar the bartender asks, "what's the matter?"

The fellow replies, "well I've got these two horses (sniff,sniff), and well... I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods."

The bartender, feeling sorry for the guy, tries to think of somthing he can do. "Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?"

The man stops crying and says, "that sounds like a good idea, I think I'll try it."

A few months later he comes back to the bar in worse condition than he was before. "What's the matter now?" the bartender asks.

The fellow, in no condition to be in public, answers, "I shaved the tail of one of the horses (sob, sob), but it grew back and I can't tell them apart again!" The bartender, now just wanting him to shut up or leave says, "why don't you try shaving the mane, maybe that will not grow back."

The fellow stops crying, has a few drinks, and leaves. A few months later the fellow is back in the bar. The bartender has never seen anybody in this sorry of a state. Without the bartender even asking the fellow breaks into his problems. "I.. I shaved the (sob) mane of one of the (sniff) horses, and... it... it... grew back!"

The bartenter, now furious at the guy's general stupidity, yells, "for crying out loud, just measure the stupid horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller that the other one!" The fellow can not believe what the bartender has said and storms out of the bar.

The next day the fellow comes running back into the bar as if he had just won the lottery. "It worked, it worked!" he exclaims. "I measured the horses and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!"

A drunk in a bar pukes all over his own shirt, which was brand new before he came in. “Damn,” he says. “I puked on my shirt again. If the wife finds out, she’s gonna kill me.”

“Not to worry,” says the bartender as he sticks a $20 bill in the drunk’s pocket. “Just tell her someone puked on you and gave you some cash to cover the cleaning bill.”

So the drunk goes home and tells his wife about the guy who puked on him. She reaches into his pocket and finds two twenties. “Why are there two twenties?” she asks.

The drunk replies, “Oh, yeah, he crapped in my pants, too.”

Two mathematicians are studying a convergent series.
The first one says: "Do you realize that the series converges even when all the terms are made positive?"
The second one asks: "Are you sure?"
"Absolutely!"

"Students nowadays are so clueless", the math professor complains to a colleague. "Yesterday, a student came to my office hours and wanted to know if General Calculus was a Roman war hero..."

It is only two weeks into the term that, in a calculus class, a student raises his hand and asks: "Will we ever need this stuff in real life?"
The professor gently smiles at him and says: "Of course not - if your real life will consist of flipping hamburgers at MacDonald's!"

An investment firm is hiring mathematicians. After the first round of interviews, three hopeful recent graduates - a pure mathematician, an applied mathematician, and a graduate in mathematical finance - are asked what starting salary they are expecting.
The pure mathematician: "Would $30,000 be too much?"
The applied mathematician: "I think $60,000 would be OK."
The math finance person: "What about $300,000?"
The personnel officer is flabberghasted: "Do you know that we have a graduate in pure mathematics who is willing to do the same work for a tenth of what you are demanding!?"
"Well, I thought of $135,000 for me, $135,000 for you - and $30,000 for the pure mathematician who will do the work."

Statistics Canada is hiring mathematicians. Three recent graduates are invited for an interview: one has a degree in pure mathematics, another one in applied math, and the third one obtained his B.Sc. in statistics.
All three are asked the same question: "What is one third plus two thirds?"
The pure mathematician: "It's one."
The applied mathematician takes out his pocket calculator, punches in the numbers, and replies: "It's 0.999999999."
The statistician: "What do you want it to be?"

Top Ten Things Overheard Last Night at the Florida Election Commission

10. "The first vote goes to Gore...call CNN and tell them Gore won."

9. "Wait, if my wet laundry is in the ballot box...oh my god! Stop the dryer!"

8. "If someone voted for 'the jerk,' do I give it to Gore or Bush?"

7. "Let's be extra careful, because every single vote counts...ha, ha, ha, ha, just kidding!"

6. "120... 121... 122! Yes! I'm the ballot-eating champion!"

5. "This is much easier than my last job designing tires for Firestone"

4. "America must never know Ralph Nader actually won the election"

3. "Discard all these votes for Bush -- they're obviously left over from 1992"

2. "I'm sure gonna miss you guys when this is over. If only there was a way to make it last a few more days..."

1. "Heads Bush... Tails Gore"

SMART ASS ANSWERS according to Reader's Digest:

Smart Ass Answer #5:

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

Smart Ass Answer #4:

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

Smart Ass Answer #3:

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Smart Ass Answer #2:

A truck driver was driving along the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

Smart Ass Answer #1:

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life." Her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple. The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So, why is the groom wearing black?"

In the prime of her career, a world famous painter started to lose her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world. After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored. The painter was so grateful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor's office. Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall. When she had finished her work, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art -- the doctor's office. During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall, and asked the doctor, "What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office, especially that large eye on the wall?" The eye doctor responded, "I said to myself, 'Thank God I'm not a gynecologist.'

A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this...
'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.'
She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day. The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."
So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"
Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"

During a tedious, cross-country, red-eye flight, the Captain came on the intercom and methodically gave his passenger briefing, "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking. We will be cruising at 35,000 feet, blah, blah..." After completing his statement, the over-worked Captain forgot to disconnect his mike, and the next thing the passengers heard was, "You know, I sure could go for a cup of coffee and a blowjob right about now..." Upon hearing this, the stewardess at the front of the plane immediately turned and ran to the cockpit to inform the Captain of his miscue. While scurrying past the first class section, a passenger raised his hand and was heard to say, "Don't forget the coffee!!!"

Two women are playing golf on a sunny afternoon when one of them slices her shot into a foursome of men. To her horror, one of the men collapses in agony with both hands in his crotch. She runs to him apologizing profusely, explaining that she is a physical therapist and can help ease his pain. No thanks... just give me a few minutes... Il be fine... he replies quietly with his hands still between his legs. Taking it upon herself to help the poor man, she gently undoes the front of his pant and starts massaging his genitals. Doesn't that feel better? she asks. Well... yes... That feels pretty good, he admits. But my thumb still hurts like hell..

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you 800 dollars to drop that towel that you have on." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower "Who was that?"  "It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies. "Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the 800 dollars he owes me?"

A blonde gets on a plane and goes up to first-class. The flight attendant tells her that she will have to move back; her ticket is not for first class. The blond says, "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to California." The main flight attendant is brought in and explains that she will have to move. The blond says, "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to California."

The attendants tell the pilot. He comes in and looks the situation over. He leans over and whispers something to the blond and she gets up immediately and moves out of first class. The attendants are flabbergasted, "What did you say to her?" "I just told her that this section of the plane doesn't go to California."

A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment - shave, manicure, haircut, etc. he placed the boy in the chair. "I'm going to buy a tie to wear to the party," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes." When the boy's haircut was done and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "It looks like your daddy forgot all about you." "That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut'"

A golfer whose cart broke down flagged down a passing bus and got aboard. He sat down on the bus, with his pants pockets full of golf balls, next to a little old lady. The little old lady kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her he said, "It's golf balls." The little old lady continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally said, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

A woman was walking down the street when she saw a man walking a three legged pig. She thinks to herself, "That's odd." She decides to ask the man about the pig. "Excuse me sir, can you tell me why it is you are walking down the street with a pig that only has three legs?" "Why certainly," the man says. "I'm a farmer, and this here is a special pig." "What makes it so special?" the woman asks. "Well, the other day, we came across a school bus full of children that had flipped over in a ditch and this pig ran down and dragged all of the children out to safety. And just a few days ago, I fell into the lake and would've drown had it not been for this pig going in to save me."

"That's remarkable. But, why does he only have three legs?" the woman asks. "You see, ma'am," the farmer starts, "a pig this special isn't eaten all at once."

A man left his cat with his brother while he went on vacation for a week. When he came back, the man called his brother to see when he could pick the cat up. The brother hesitated, then said, ''I'm so sorry, but while you were away, the cat died." The man was very upset and yelled, ''You know, you could have broken the news to me better than that. When I called today, you could have said he was on the roof and wouldn't come down. Then when I called the next day, you could have said that he had fallen off and the vet was working on patching him up. Then when I called the third day, you could have said he had passed away.'' The brother thought about it and apologized. "So how's Mom?" asked the man. "She's on the roof and won't come down."

"Mommy, my turtle is dead," the little boy, Johnny, sorrowfully told his mother, holding the turtle out to her. The mother kissed him on the head, then said," That's all right. We'll wrap him in tissue paper, put him in a little box, then have a nice burial ceremony in the back yard. After that, we'll go out for an ice cream soda, and then get you a new pet. I don't want you ..." Her voice trailed off as she noticed the turtle move. "Johnny, your turtle is not dead after all." "Oh," the disappointed boy said. "Can I kill it"

A young blonde woman went to her doctor complaining of pain. "Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor. "You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the blonde. "What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific." The blonde touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried. The doctor looked at her thoughtfully for a moment and asked, "Are you a natural blonde?" "Why, yes," she said. "I thought so," said the doctor, "You have a broken finger."

A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance without answering. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again. The old man slowly looked at him and said,” Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper. He asked his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's wonderful. Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?!" The father replies "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law!"

In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car. The nurse asks him, "Charlie, what are you doing?" Charlie replies, "Driving to Chicago!" The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.  The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well, Charlie, how are you doing?" Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago." "Great," replies the nurse. The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously masturbating. Shocked, she asks, "Bob, what are you doing?" Bob says, "I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!"

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold the computer guy, to come over and helped me. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?" He replied, "It was an ID ten T error." I hated to appear stupid, but I needed to know what was going on with the computer, so I inquired, "An, ummm- ID ten T error? What is that?... in case I need to fix it again?" The computer guy grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?" "No," I replied. "Write it down," he said, "you might be able to figure it out." So I wrote out ...... I D 1 0 T error. I used to like Harold...

A lady goes into the butcher shop and as she is walking around the store, she spies a beef tongue in the butcher's counter. The lady asks, "What in the world is that?" "Beef tongue," replies the butcher! The lady gives a little involuntary shudder, "No way would I put anything in my mouth that came out of an animal's mouth!" The butcher nods sympathetically while peeking into the woman's shopping cart, "I see you're buying a dozen eggs!"

At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends. "The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical, tell jokes, sing, and stay home at night!"  An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Honey,if that's all you want, get a TV!"

A blind man goes into a tavern, finds the bar, and sits down. When the bartender comes over and asks what he'd like to drink, he says, "I'd like to get a beer and tell blonde joke." The bartender says, "Well, I'll give you a beer, no problem,
but you should know that I weigh 250 pounds, and I'm a blonde. Also, my brother is sitting next to you. He's also about 250, and he's blonde too. My cousin is sitting at the table behind you, he weighs almost 300 pounds, and he's a blonde. Are you sure you want to tell the blonde joke?" The blind guy thinks a minute, then says, "Well, I guess I'll have the beer, but I won't tell the blonde joke."
"Why not?" asks the bartender. "Well," the blind guy says, "I don't want to have to explain it three times."

10 Signs you're a Internet Geek

10. When filling out your driver's license application you give your
IP address.

9. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead
your line is "Hi, what's your URL?"

8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.

7. You're amazed to find out spam is a food.

6. You "ping" people to see if they're awake, "finger" them to find
out how they are, and "AYT" them to make sure they're listening to
you.

5. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt
contest.

4. You introduce your wife as "my lady@home.wife" and refer to your
children as "client applications".

3. At social functions you introduce your husband as "my domain
server".

2. After winning the office super bowl pool you blurt out, "I feel so
"colon-right parentheses!"

And the number one sign you are an Internet Geek:

1. Two Words: "Pizza's Here!"

 

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