blonde carpenters were working on a house. The one who
was nailing down siding would reach into his nail pouch,
pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder or
nail it in.
other, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why
are you throwing those nails away?"
first explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch
and it's pointed toward me, I throw it away 'cause it's
defective. If it's pointed toward the house, then I nail
second blonde got completely upset and yelled, "You
moron! The nails pointed toward you aren't defective!
They're for the other side of the house!"
carpenter was giving evidence about an accident he had
witnessed. The lawyer for the defendant was trying to
discredit him and asked him how far away he was from the
carpenter replied, "Twenty-seven feet, six and one-half
How come you are so sure of that distance?" asked
I knew sooner or later some idiot would ask me. So I measured
it!" replied the carpenter.
fellow walks into a bar very down on himself. As he walks
up to the bar the bartender asks, "what's the matter?"
fellow replies, "well I've got these two horses (sniff,sniff),
and well... I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm
mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right
bartender, feeling sorry for the guy, tries to think of
somthing he can do. "Why don't you try shaving the
tail of one of the horses?"
man stops crying and says, "that sounds like a good
idea, I think I'll try it."
few months later he comes back to the bar in worse condition
than he was before. "What's the matter now?"
the bartender asks.
fellow, in no condition to be in public, answers, "I
shaved the tail of one of the horses (sob, sob), but it
grew back and I can't tell them apart again!" The
bartender, now just wanting him to shut up or leave says,
"why don't you try shaving the mane, maybe that will
not grow back."
fellow stops crying, has a few drinks, and leaves. A few
months later the fellow is back in the bar. The bartender
has never seen anybody in this sorry of a state. Without
the bartender even asking the fellow breaks into his problems.
"I.. I shaved the (sob) mane of one of the (sniff)
horses, and... it... it... grew back!"
bartenter, now furious at the guy's general stupidity,
yells, "for crying out loud, just measure the stupid
horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller that the other
one!" The fellow can not believe what the bartender
has said and storms out of the bar.
next day the fellow comes running back into the bar as
if he had just won the lottery. "It worked, it worked!"
he exclaims. "I measured the horses and the black
one is two inches taller than the white one!"
drunk in a bar pukes all over his own shirt, which was
brand new before he came in. “Damn,” he says. “I puked
on my shirt again. If the wife finds out, she’s gonna
to worry,” says the bartender as he sticks a $20 bill
in the drunk’s pocket. “Just tell her someone puked on
you and gave you some cash to cover the cleaning bill.”
the drunk goes home and tells his wife about the guy who
puked on him. She reaches into his pocket and finds two
twenties. “Why are there two twenties?” she asks.
drunk replies, “Oh, yeah, he crapped in my pants, too.”
Two mathematicians are studying a convergent series.
The first one says: "Do you realize that the series
converges even when all the terms are made positive?"
The second one asks: "Are you sure?"
nowadays are so clueless", the math professor complains
to a colleague. "Yesterday, a student came to my
office hours and wanted to know if General Calculus was
a Roman war hero..."
is only two weeks into the term that, in a calculus class,
a student raises his hand and asks: "Will we ever
need this stuff in real life?"
The professor gently smiles at him and says: "Of
course not - if your real life will consist of flipping
hamburgers at MacDonald's!"
investment firm is hiring mathematicians. After the first
round of interviews, three hopeful recent graduates -
a pure mathematician, an applied mathematician, and a
graduate in mathematical finance - are asked what starting
salary they are expecting.
The pure mathematician: "Would $30,000 be too much?"
The applied mathematician: "I think $60,000 would
The math finance person: "What about $300,000?"
The personnel officer is flabberghasted: "Do you
know that we have a graduate in pure mathematics who is
willing to do the same work for a tenth of what you are
"Well, I thought of $135,000 for me, $135,000 for
you - and $30,000 for the pure mathematician who will
do the work."
Canada is hiring mathematicians. Three recent graduates
are invited for an interview: one has a degree in pure
mathematics, another one in applied math, and the third
one obtained his B.Sc. in statistics.
All three are asked the same question: "What is one
third plus two thirds?"
The pure mathematician: "It's one."
The applied mathematician takes out his pocket calculator,
punches in the numbers, and replies: "It's 0.999999999."
The statistician: "What do you want it to be?"
Ten Things Overheard Last Night at the Florida Election
"The first vote goes to Gore...call CNN and tell
them Gore won."
"Wait, if my wet laundry is in the ballot box...oh
my god! Stop the dryer!"
"If someone voted for 'the jerk,' do I give it to
Gore or Bush?"
"Let's be extra careful, because every single vote
counts...ha, ha, ha, ha, just kidding!"
"120... 121... 122! Yes! I'm the ballot-eating champion!"
"This is much easier than my last job designing tires
"America must never know Ralph Nader actually won
"Discard all these votes for Bush -- they're obviously
left over from 1992"
"I'm sure gonna miss you guys when this is over.
If only there was a way to make it last a few more days..."
"Heads Bush... Tails Gore"
ASS ANSWERS according to Reader's Digest:
Ass Answer #5:
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate
to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her
hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and
flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir,
I need to see your ticket not your stub."
Ass Answer #4:
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery
store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any
bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're
Ass Answer #3:
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped
for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting
for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied,
"Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid
on his way without a ticket.
Ass Answer #2:
A truck driver was driving along the freeway. A sign comes
up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he
knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets
stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his
car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his
hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver
says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out
Ass Answer #1:
college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final
exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for
you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear
attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death
in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses
whatsoever!" A smart ass guy in the back of the room
raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if
tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter
sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to
laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the
teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head
and sweetly says "Well, I guess you'd have to write
the exam with your other hand."
a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered
to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness and today
is the happiest day of her life." Her mother tried
to explain, keeping it simple. The child thought about
this for a moment, then said, "So, why is the groom
the prime of her career, a world famous painter started
to lose her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life
as a painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the
world. After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy,
her eyesight was restored. The painter was so grateful that
she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor's
office. Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye
on one wall. When she had finished her work, she held a
press conference to unveil her latest work of art -- the
doctor's office. During the press conference, one reporter
noticed the eye on the wall, and asked the doctor, "What
was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office,
especially that large eye on the wall?" The eye doctor
responded, "I said to myself, 'Thank God I'm not a
woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this...
'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me
up; or run away from me and is great in bed.'
She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone
perfect at her door one day. The man she met said, "Hi,
I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs
so I won't run away."
So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great
Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"
a tedious, cross-country, red-eye flight, the Captain came
on the intercom and methodically gave his passenger briefing,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking.
We will be cruising at 35,000 feet, blah, blah..."
After completing his statement, the over-worked Captain
forgot to disconnect his mike, and the next thing the passengers
heard was, "You know, I sure could go for a cup of
coffee and a blowjob right about now..." Upon hearing
this, the stewardess at the front of the plane immediately
turned and ran to the cockpit to inform the Captain of his
miscue. While scurrying past the first class section, a
passenger raised his hand and was heard to say, "Don't
forget the coffee!!!"
women are playing golf on a sunny afternoon when one of
them slices her shot into a foursome of men. To her horror,
one of the men collapses in agony with both hands in his
crotch. She runs to him apologizing profusely, explaining
that she is a physical therapist and can help ease his pain.
No thanks... just give me a few minutes... Il be
fine... he replies quietly with his hands still between
his legs. Taking it upon herself to help the poor man, she
gently undoes the front of his pant and starts massaging
his genitals. Doesn't that feel better? she asks. Well...
yes... That feels pretty good, he admits. But my thumb still
hurts like hell..
man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing
up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds
of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell,
the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and
runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob,
the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says,
"I'll give you 800 dollars to drop that towel that
you have on." After thinking for a moment, the woman
drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After
a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves. Confused,
but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back
up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back
to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower "Who
was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbour,"
she replies. "Great," the husband says, "did
he say anything about the 800 dollars he owes me?"
blonde gets on a plane and goes up to first-class. The flight
attendant tells her that she will have to move back; her
ticket is not for first class. The blond says, "I'm
blond, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to California."
The main flight attendant is brought in and explains that
she will have to move. The blond says, "I'm blond,
I'm beautiful, and I'm going to California."
The attendants tell the pilot. He comes in and looks the
situation over. He leans over and whispers something to
the blond and she gets up immediately and moves out of
first class. The attendants are flabbergasted, "What
did you say to her?" "I just told her that this
section of the plane doesn't go to California."
A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together.
After the man received the full treatment - shave, manicure,
haircut, etc. he placed the boy in the chair. "I'm
going to buy a tie to wear to the party," he said.
"I'll be back in a few minutes." When the boy's
haircut was done and the man still hadn't returned, the
barber said, "It looks like your daddy forgot all
about you." "That wasn't my daddy," said
the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand
and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut'"
A golfer whose cart broke down flagged down a passing
bus and got aboard. He sat down on the bus, with his pants
pockets full of golf balls, next to a little old lady.
The little old lady kept looking quizzically at him and
his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances
from her he said, "It's golf balls." The little
old lady continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally
said, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
A woman was walking down the street when she saw a man
walking a three legged pig. She thinks to herself, "That's
odd." She decides to ask the man about the pig. "Excuse
me sir, can you tell me why it is you are walking down
the street with a pig that only has three legs?"
"Why certainly," the man says. "I'm a farmer,
and this here is a special pig." "What makes
it so special?" the woman asks. "Well, the other
day, we came across a school bus full of children that
had flipped over in a ditch and this pig ran down and
dragged all of the children out to safety. And just a
few days ago, I fell into the lake and would've drown
had it not been for this pig going in to save me."
"That's remarkable. But, why does he only have three
legs?" the woman asks. "You see, ma'am,"
the farmer starts, "a pig this special isn't eaten
all at once."
A man left his cat with his brother while he went on vacation
for a week. When he came back, the man called his brother
to see when he could pick the cat up. The brother hesitated,
then said, ''I'm so sorry, but while you were away, the
cat died." The man was very upset and yelled, ''You
know, you could have broken the news to me better than
that. When I called today, you could have said he was
on the roof and wouldn't come down. Then when I called
the next day, you could have said that he had fallen off
and the vet was working on patching him up. Then when
I called the third day, you could have said he had passed
away.'' The brother thought about it and apologized. "So
how's Mom?" asked the man. "She's on the roof
and won't come down."
my turtle is dead," the little boy, Johnny, sorrowfully
told his mother, holding the turtle out to her. The mother
kissed him on the head, then said," That's all right.
We'll wrap him in tissue paper, put him in a little box,
then have a nice burial ceremony in the back yard. After
that, we'll go out for an ice cream soda, and then get
you a new pet. I don't want you ..." Her voice trailed
off as she noticed the turtle move. "Johnny, your
turtle is not dead after all." "Oh," the
disappointed boy said. "Can I kill it"
A young blonde woman went to her doctor complaining of
pain. "Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.
"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said
the blonde. "What do you mean, all over?" asked
the doctor, "be a little more specific." The
blonde touched her right knee with her index finger and
yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her
left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts too."
Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT
hurts", she cried. The doctor looked at her thoughtfully
for a moment and asked, "Are you a natural blonde?"
"Why, yes," she said. "I thought so,"
said the doctor, "You have a broken finger."
A man was walking down the street
when he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch,
in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance without answering.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with
nothing on below the waist?" he asked again. The
old man slowly looked at him and said,” Well, last week
I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck.
This is your grandma's idea.
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth.
In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question,
and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but only succeeded in
pushing it in deeper. He asked his wife for assistance,
and after hours of trying they became worried and decided
to go to hospital. As they were ready to go out the door,
their daughter came home with her date. After being informed
of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get
the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down,
then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told
him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew
out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.
The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter
brought the young man out to the kitchen for something
to eat. Once he was gone the mother turned to the father
and said, "That's wonderful. Isn't he smart? What
do you think he's going to be when he grows older?!"
The father replies "From the smell of his fingers,
our son in-law!"
In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and
sees a patient acting like he's driving a car. The nurse
asks him, "Charlie, what are you doing?" Charlie
replies, "Driving to Chicago!" The nurse wishes
him a good trip and leaves the room. The next day
the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving
his imaginary car and asks, "Well, Charlie, how are
you doing?" Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago."
"Great," replies the nurse. The nurse leaves
Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room,
and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously masturbating.
Shocked, she asks, "Bob, what are you doing?"
Bob says, "I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold
the computer guy, to come over and helped me. Harold clicked
a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me
a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away,
I called after him, "So, what was wrong?" He
replied, "It was an ID ten T error." I hated
to appear stupid, but I needed to know what was going
on with the computer, so I inquired, "An, ummm- ID
ten T error? What is that?... in case I need to fix it
again?" The computer guy grinned.... "Haven't
you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?" "No,"
I replied. "Write it down," he said, "you
might be able to figure it out." So I wrote out ......
I D 1 0 T error. I used to like Harold...
A lady goes into the butcher shop and as she is walking
around the store, she spies a beef tongue in the butcher's
counter. The lady asks, "What in the world is that?"
"Beef tongue," replies the butcher! The lady
gives a little involuntary shudder, "No way would
I put anything in my mouth that came out of an animal's
mouth!" The butcher nods sympathetically while peeking
into the woman's shopping cart, "I see you're buying
a dozen eggs!"
At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on
her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends. "The
man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He
must be musical, tell jokes, sing, and stay home at night!"
An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Honey,if that's
all you want, get a TV!"
blind man goes into a tavern, finds the bar, and sits down.
When the bartender comes over and asks what he'd like to
drink, he says, "I'd like to get a beer and tell blonde
joke." The bartender says, "Well, I'll give you
a beer, no problem,
but you should know that I weigh 250 pounds, and I'm a blonde.
Also, my brother is sitting next to you. He's also about
250, and he's blonde too. My cousin is sitting at the table
behind you, he weighs almost 300 pounds, and he's a blonde.
Are you sure you want to tell the blonde joke?" The
blind guy thinks a minute, then says, "Well, I guess
I'll have the beer, but I won't tell the blonde joke."
"Why not?" asks the bartender. "Well,"
the blind guy says, "I don't want to have to explain
it three times."
Signs you're a Internet Geek
10. When filling out your driver's license application
you give your
9. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign
your line is "Hi, what's your URL?"
8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends
7. You're amazed to find out spam is a food.
6. You "ping" people to see if they're awake,
"finger" them to find
out how they are, and "AYT" them to make sure
they're listening to
5. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly
4. You introduce your wife as "my firstname.lastname@example.org"
and refer to your
children as "client applications".
3. At social functions you introduce your husband as "my
2. After winning the office super bowl pool you blurt
out, "I feel so
And the number one sign you are an Internet Geek:
1. Two Words: "Pizza's Here!"