When a woman found out that she was pregnant,
she lit up the phone lines telling everyone the
good news. One day later that week, she took her
4 year old son, Sam, out shopping. A woman asked
the boy if he was excited about the baby. "Yes",
he said. "I know what we're going to name it. If
it is a girl, we're calling her Molly and if it
is a boy, we're going to call it quits.
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with
a note of caution. "You don't want to try these
techniques at home." "Why not?" asked somebody
from the audience. "I watched my wife's routine
at breakfast for years," the expert explained.
"She made lots of trips between the
refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often
carrying a single item at a time. One day I told
her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several
things at once?'" "Did it save time?" the person
in the audience asked. "Actually, yes," replied
the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to
make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."
"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I
invited a friend home for supper."
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I
haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty,
and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!" "I
know all that." "Then why did you invite a
friend for supper?" "Because the poor fool's
thinking about getting married."
A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They
talk, they connect, and they end up leaving
together. They get back to her place, and as she
shows him around, he notices that her bedroom is
completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of
small bears are on a shelf all the way along the
floor, medium sized ones are on a shelf a little
higher, and huge bears are on the top shelf
along the wall. The man is kind of surprised by
the collection, especially because it’s so
extensive, but he decides not to mention this to
her. She turns to him…they kiss…then they rip
each other’s clothes off and romp around the
room all night. After an intense night of
passion, as they are lying there together in the
afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling,
“Well, how’d I do?” The woman says, “You can
have any prize from the bottom shelf.”
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out
of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed
by his bedside every single day. One day, when
he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of
tears, "You know what? You have been with me all
through the bad times. When I got fired, you
were there to support me. When my business
failed, you were there. When I got shot, you
were by my side. When we lost the house, you
stayed right here. When my health started
failing, you were still by my side. You know
what?" "What dear?" she asked gently, smiling as
her heart began to fill with warmth. ”I think
you're bad luck."
A woman went to her doctor's office. She was
seen by one of the new doctors, but after about
4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out
screaming and ran down the hall. An older doctor
stopped her and asked what the problem was, and
she explained. He had her sit down and relax in
another room. The older doctor marched back to
the first and demanded, "What's the matter with
you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four
grown children and seven grandchildren, and you
told her she was pregnant?" The new doctor
smiled smugly as he continued to write on his
clipboard. "Cured her hiccups though, didn't
it?"
After his divorce Mr. Jones realized that poker
isn't the only game that starts with holding
hands and ends with a staggering financial loss.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my
baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes
college.
Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning
sickness or the flu?
A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.
Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine
a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often
strangers smile at me. Why?
A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody
that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain
that I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is
she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be
called an air current.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the
delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything
to you.
Q: Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A: Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame
it for.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very
quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my
wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her
husband is every night?
A. A widow.
Q. Why are married women heavier than single
women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the
fridge and go to bed. Married women come home,
see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Q: Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to
pick up women?
A: Because a woman who can't even afford a
washing machine will probably never be able to
support you.
Q: How do you know when a woman is about to say
something smart?
A: When she starts her sentence with "A man once
told me..."
Q. How do you fix a woman's watch?
A. You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Q. Why do men break wind more than women?
A. Because women can't shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.
Q. What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of
her intelligence?
A. Divorced.
Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
A: None. It should be opened by the time she
brings it.
Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after
women?
A: When they come they're wild and wet, but when
they go they take your house and car with them.
Q. Why do women have breasts?
A. So men will talk to them.
Q. Why do women close their eyes during sex?
A. They can't stand to see a man have a good
time.
Q: What's worse than a male chauvinistic pig?
A: A women who won't do what she's told.
Q. What do you call a room full of women, half
with PMS, half with yeast infections?
A. A whine and cheese party
Q. Why is it called PMS?
A. Because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.
A woman went to a doctor and said , doctor, I
have a problem. every time I sneeze I have an
orgasm. the doctor said, oh really, what have
you been doing for it. the woman replied,
snorting pepper.
A woman is shopping for a pet as a gift for her
husband, but she is concerned that the prices
that the Pet Shop are charging are very high.
She goes to the clerk and explains her concern.
"Well, I have a frog in the back that I can let
you have for $50," the clerk says. "$50?" the
woman replies. "That seems terribly expensive
for a frog.” "Well, this frog is worth it. It's
been trained to give blow jobs." The woman is
stunned, but because her husband loves this sort
of sex, and because she is not particularly fond
of gorfing cock, she decides the frog might be a
good investment. She buys the frog, brings it
home, presents it to her husband, and explains
its special value. The husband is skeptical, but
promises he'll give the frog a try that night.
The woman goes to sleep happily knowing she
won't be bothered by her husband that night. She
is suddenly awakened by a clatter coming from
the kitchen. She goes downstairs and finds the
frog and her husband pulling out pots and pans
and poring over cookbooks. "What are you two
doing down here?" she asks. Her husband
responds, "If I can teach this frog to cook,
you're out of here!"
One day an old woman walked into a shop and got
some dog food, she went to pay for it and the
cashier said you can't buy that dog food we need
evidence that you have a dog, so she bought in
her dog and she got the dog food. The next day
the same old lady went to get some cat food and
the cashier said you can't have that cat food we
need evidence that you have a cat, so she went
home and got her cat and she got the cat food.
Next day the same old lady went in again and she
had a box, she told the cashier to put her
finger in it, so she did. She said it felt warm
and soft, the little old lady then said now
you're satisfied can I have some toilet paper
please!
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and
love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love
her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
A
Woman's Prayer:
I pray for:
Wisdom, To understand a man.
Love, To forgive him and;
Patience, For his moods.
Because if I pray for Strength
I'll just beat him to death.
Unusual
Funeral
A woman was leaving a convenience store with her
morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession
approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long
black hearse about 50 feet behind the
first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary
woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance
back, were about 200 women walking single file.
The woman was so curious that she respectfully
approached the woman walking the dog and said,
"I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a
bad time to disturb you, but I have never seen a funeral like
this.
Whose
funeral is it?"
"My husband's."
"What happened to him?"
The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."
She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was
trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between
the two women.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."
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